The first second-hand car sale went well, considering it was the first and had had little publicity. People came from far and wide. One man from Vélez-Málaga turned up with his Mercedes 250D, because he had read about the event in the July issue of the Gazette. Others just happened to see it as they drove past and pulled in, thanks to its location right at the main entrance to the town. Apparently the only other 'market' of this kind is in Barcelona, so it's quite a novelty down here in the South. The organisers, Kiwanis, can quite confidently expect interest and participation to grow during the coming months. Don't forget, it's all for a good cause, as well as being an excellent opportunity to buy and sell second-hand cars. Sellers are asked to contribute 10 euros to charity. The local branch of Kiwanis, perhaps the world's most extensive and respected 'Help the Children' organisation, will donate all money received to various children charities. The sale takes place on the first Sunday of every month.

Almuñécar will, at last, have a trading estate around the beginning of next year. The building plan is for 33 units of between 260 and 676 square metres, which will be divided into two 'streets.' The total of the overall area is 12,000sqm, which is what the old football ground used to occupy on this spot up by the Taramay tunnel. Unfortunately, you can't help noticing that the cuttings above the area look very unstable and that unless something is done to strengthen them, the autumn rains will take a hand in remodelling the trading estate's backdrop.

The 4th International Short Film Festival of Almuñécar will be held in the Majuelo Park from 2nd to 9th of August. Many Spanish celluloid heavy-weights will be taking place, such as: Juan Diego Botto, Rosario Pardo and Emilio Gutiérrez, to mention just three. These yearly festivals have been organised to promote short films as an alternative form of the Seventh Art. This is the first year that the event has been opened to international competitors and a great deal of interest has been shown by the European audio-visual sector.

The Itrabo-Jete road was officially opened just before the change over of office after the local elections. Rodríguez Tobasco inaugurated the 5.7km stretch of road that links the Rio Verde Valley to the Rio Guadalfeo Valley, providing alternative road communication to the N340 coast road, as his last act of office. The road, which before was a mere track, cost 662.000 euros, the greater part of which came from European Union funds (403,021 euros). There's a surprise! An interesting fact is that both ends of this new road connect with roads of inferior quality. Put another way, you can cruise along this nice shiny road that goes over the hills but then you are dumped in the middle of nowhere. Secondly, the construction of the new coastal dual carriageway will be doing just about the same route but 2 kilometres down towards the coast. So you ask yourself, "Was it really necessary?" In fact you could be led to suppose that this super important tarmac river that connects the mega-kingdoms of Jete and Itrabo might just have been a case of squandering European funds and lining local pockets. Or are we just getting rather cynical as we get older?

Good news for long distance drivers or anybody who uses Spain's 'toll' motorways. The University of Granada, which does summer courses down here in sleepy Almuñécar, (sleepy? You'd have to be in a coma to be able to sleep here in summer), has made an interesting announcement for motorists. Manuel López Villena, a university professor, disclosed that they are working on a project for automatic toll-booths that will record your number plate and snatch the money from your bank account without your having to stop or even slow down. Hmm. Not so sure that this sounds like a good idea. Of course, for the system to be installed your car would have to have a special 'chip.' Thinking about it, you know what happens to a CD player when you nudge it? Best not to go through too fast, otherwise, thanks to your slipstream, you could get charged 30 times.

Locals from Torrecuevas and Rio Seco are mumbling with discontent because a warehouse, which is being built next to the turn off for Rio Seco will cause zero visibility. They've collected about 200 hundred signatures - most of them from the same family, no doubt, or barely legible ones of the 'M. Mouse' variety. This, of course, begs the question: when did the locals ever bother about visibility? It only distracts them from waving at friends and targeting cats & dogs, surely?

If the people who live in Torrecuevas have no visibility, it's not because of a mound of rubbish, the town hall has increased the frequency of rubbish collections there, along with Taramay. Yep, I guess you're right - who cares?

More hormone hexed spot bursters have been sentenced to cleaning the town's beaches instead of pissing on them. Altogether 15 adult prototypes have been found guilty of 'existing in an unpleasant and unacceptable manner' and have been shipped down from the inland villages to pick up fag ends and the floating, post-digestive remnants of other people's breakfast.

Talking of anal cigars - some inventive muggers came up with the method of squirting elderly people with liquid manure and then offering to help them clean it off. Is nothing sacred? Basically they sneak up behind somebody who remembers the 1940's and secretly squirt this foul liquid on his back. They start tutting and looking up accusingly at non existent culprits hanging out of windows and when the victim does the same they snatch the bag, wallet or anything else of value and leg it.

One sure sign that the town is growing is the need to extend the town cemetery. Blocks of flats are going up all over town and now tiers of niches are springing up in El Magnífico, which is the name of the local cemetery. The cemetery used to be up in the San Miguel Castle but it was transferred to its present location in the late 80's. When the old one was turned out all the kids from that part of town searched the old site for trophies... and they found them. Skulls with wisps of hair turned up on street corners and in classrooms. Dogs were seen slinking off with suspiciously familiar bones. There was a time when Spain was Spain! Come back, we miss you!

Antonio was there at the beginning, when jet-skis took off before the coming of the new jet-skis without 'skis'. Jet-skis nowadays are little more than mini, water turbine propelled, speedboats with handlebars rather than a wheel. The new safety regulations have caused a big shake up in the sector. People like Antonio, on Velilla Beach, Almuñécar, have had to invest a lot of extra money in equipment, something that reflects in the price of renting one out. First of all, the jet-skis can't operate from the beach. Clients have to be ferried out to a raft, which is the landing platform. Consequently one of them has to be reserved for that and standby for emergencies, which means that there is one less to rent out. All the machines have remote control installed so that the person in overall charge can stop the vehicle, either from the office or the platform. That's two master remote control units and one receiver in each machine. The good thing about working from a floating platform is that now the typical smart-arse doesn't bring the jet-ski in too close and suck up pebbles into the turbine (a very expense repair). Now it is very improbable that an accident can occur but even so, because of the tragic accidents that occurred in 2001 along Málaga way, insurance for such businesses have rocketed. At present a new insurance for these machines for a rental business that has just opened is around 1,000 euros per machine. The price of a jet-ski is between 9,000 and 12,000 euros. As far as the users go, you just can't climb on one without a special licence. It doesn't matter if you normally ride a 1,000cc bike on the road - you need a special licence for this sport. But even with all these safety limitations, the necessity of a special licence and the high rental price, Jet-skis are still a strong and spectacular attraction - ask Antonio.

A 22-year-old lad from Málaga managed to break a leg at the Otívar waterfalls. For the people who like 'barranquismo' (absailing down canyons) the Junta de los Ríos is the best place in the whole of Andalucía - probably the whole of Spain, thanks to its summer water temperature. The fact remains, though, that the canyon has very difficult access and if you do break a leg, it will not be easy to get you out. It took the Guardia Civil rescue team just under 5 hours to get this last one out. There's no chance of being winched out by helicopter because the canyon is too narrow and its sides too close together.

Special Forces recruits undergo training in which they must endure torture and hardship in general to make them divulge information - they must resist to qualify. It would appear that local politicians must have gone through a similar process to avoid telling the truth or blushing when they utter blatant untruths. It's the only explanation as to how they can tell the biggest whoppers without batting an eyelid. Somewhere up in the hills they must have had hot chilly peppers stuffed up their nostrils every time they felt the urge to blurt out, "OK, I admit it; I was lying!" Take the case of José Antonio del Puerto. This man very nobly expounded during the local election campaign, 'If we want a clean Almuñécar, then we, as politicians, must set an example. As soon as the elections are over, we will take down every election poster that we have stuck up. It is shameful that election poster are left to fade and end up in reluctant tatters." We were impressed! A month after the elections the Ed bumped into the Jose Antonio, whose party, by the way, didn't manage one seat on the town council. "Antonio, could I ask you a question?" "Yes," he replied, "at your service!" "You know that I was very impressed by your suggestion about politicians setting an example about keeping our town clean." He smiled - slightly weakly and said, "Thanks." Ed moved in for the kill, "Can't help noticing that there are an awful lot of posters showing your face around town still." "Ah," he replied, "That's true but only in unofficial places. In the official places, if there are any left, that's the town hall's responsibility." The Ed looked quizzically at the man and asked, "Sorry? You mean your party put up posters illegally where no bill posting is allowed?" He looked at his watch - a gesture designed to state that departure was imminent. "Yes and no. We took care only to place posters where there were already existing ones," he reasoned. "Oh, I see," replied the Ed, who really saw little but contradictions. He was on the point of pointing out that whoever had placed the original posters also did it illegally - a fact that far from exonerated his actions, when Mr Slippery said, "Look, I'm really sorry but I have to go. Nice chatting to you!" and bolted.

Residents of Urbanización Mar de Sol, San Cristóbal are up in arms because a wall that denied unwanted thoroughfare was demolished by the town hall. For the town hall, the street in question, Calle Amelia Sánchez Alcazar, is not private, but public, consequently pedestrians have the right to take this short cut to reach the beach. The chairman of the urbanización, however, went to court to file a complaint against the town hall because, as he says, the wall was put up with written consent from the town hall in the first place. "It is a case of daylight robbery! They sent round some men to rip down our wall without prior warning," he stated belligerently. What most upset the residents was not so much the demolition of their pet wall, but the destruction of the flowerbed behind it. Ildefonso Castillo, the chairman, also pointed out that the town hall cannot call it public, if the urbanización had to pay out for the street-lighting etc, themselves. The ex-Mayor said that they had carried out the demolition because of numerous requests from residents of a nearby urbanización and the owners of Hotel Victoria Playa. Also according to him the residents of Mar de Sol had been given previous notice of the demolition.

Big hotels like Sol Meliá saw room occupation drop drastically the second fortnight of July. August might well be the same. This only highlights more the change of holiday habit amongst the Spanish. Gone are the days when everybody - even the National Tourist Board, took their holidays in July or August. The average Spaniard gets 30 days holiday and they took them in block. The rest of the year, Almuñécar was blissfully empty. 'Blissfully' for those who didn't have to make a living here, of course. Now the average Spaniard is breaking his 30 days down into smaller holiday periods and spreading them around the year. Many, who were seemingly oblivious to Almuñécar's splendid climate, now take their holidays during the first fortnight of September before the kids summer holidays end or at the end of June when they break up for the summer. There are two main reasons for this: A) the average Family from Granada now have air-conditioning at home and just about every office and bar has it too. Before it was unbearable to stay in Granada, Madrid or any hinterland city during the summer months. B) Renting a flat in Almuñécar for one whole month is a luxury that few can now afford. Even if they own the flat, you can't park anywhere during July and August. Perhaps we can now have a sensible tourist season more in tune with the extensive warm seasons of Almuñécar!

The blissful (or to be more accurate - blister full) days of sunshine are rolling by and in true Almunecar response is a flurry of summer activity. Summer is the mother season of new beginnings and Sunshine Radio (99.1fm) has leapt at the opportunity to introduce a touch of spice via two new shows. Firstly, our Ambience friends, Mike and Lyn, are star hosts on their own topical show called 2's company Mon-Fri 2pm-4pm, presenting lots of new ideas to keep you riveted. Secondly, Su shall indulge us in Parisian sophistication in a music show. In the meantime Susano Woo are beavering away in the studios recording an album to be released in September. Away from the stardom glamour of the dj world Yvonne has kept the sunshine ticking by fighting the urge to surrender to the beach for her month off and instead proposing new language learning techniques via rehearsing songs. Brilliant idea for you to improve on your Spanish and still rock an' roll through the el verano.

A dynamic soar in the excitement factor are the many momentous birthdays. Ben is charging towards 30 or 100 (ha ha) on the annual grandest Spanish fiesta day 15th August. Siobhan has rocked the town with her new 24 ranking, our party girl Jane is ready to dance her socks off and paint the town red on July 30th (hubby Mark assured me it was her 21st!) and James makes his debut into the premium male milestone of 18 in August. 'Cheers a million' to you all!

Amidst all the joyous celebrations there have been some new faces lighting up the social scene. Our lovely Danish Pernille has arrived and is fluttering in and out of Chupitos but with an addition that could melt or break your heart. Luna, an irresistible ball of Alsatian puppy that melts all your worries away until she's dragged away by mother Pernille and then you're left heartbroken until the next time. An authentic Aberdeenshire bloke is meandering around town in tow with the Adam's Family so make sure no sneaky drinking challenges are proposed or you may find yourself in a spot of legless trouble (well, these Scots are in the league of Braveheart when occupying a bar).

Also, Shirley and Dennis are flowing into the summer social circles so do have a good ole British handshake to welcome them to their new Spanish abode, and if feeling peaky with the stress of remembering to drink your water and keep your sun cap on then book for therapeutic or even Indian head massage with Shirley... oooo eeerrrrr missus!! Simon is briefly back tootling around in his Austin Powers buggy and finally a wonderful new face is Carlos from Seville, who has arrived on the international arena further inducing livelier fiesta evenings.

Bar Chupitos responded to the sunshine by introducing more live music evenings. Russell Nash proved his astounding tones in true chill-out style and Jesse Alonso gave a boost to the jazz week with American blues, the lone rangers duo from the local market performed superb Irish folk music and Russ will be back 30th July with an array of lively upbeat covers and a few unique works of his own. Pop down to see the latest event and a full live music agenda will commence every Wed from September.

Hasta la vista!

The municipal police were out diligently obstructing the traffic... That's right, 'obstructing' not 'directing' it In their quest to put some money into the coffers, there they were 'bothering' to fine brats on bikes with no helmets. The fact that they couldn't give a monkey's left flip-flop during the rest of the year escapes no-one. However, it seems that they can't even do that properly (let's hope that they're useless at reading English, too!). This 'Herlock Shomes' thought it an excellent idea to stop a mate for a chat and block the traffic on the beach road where Acera de Pilar joins it. One lane of traffic had ground to a halt, causing a build up of traffic at 12.30, because the cars had to wait to swing round the 'chatting couple'.

On Sunday, 10th August the annual 'Charity Swim Across the Bay' will take place again. There are 4 categories: Menores - those born before Dec. 91, Absolutos - those born before Dec. 78, Veteranos - those born between 79 and 63 and finally, Master - those born since 1964. Yes, you're right, it doesn't make the slightess bit of sense but never mind. The important thing is you don't drown and spoil everybody's fun. Those businesses collaborating are: Caja Rural, Electromar, La Sardina, Linze TV, Nuevo Restaurante, Gestoría Martínez, Burguer and Papas, Industrias AICASOL and Buceo La Herradura. The following prizes will be awarded: Duram Prize - swimmer with best marks, El Tinao Prize - the first across the finishing line, Dr Jz Burkhartd Prize - the youngest participant, O.N.C.E. Prize - handicapped swimmer, Clínica Inmaculada Prize - the oldest competitor, Tourist Board of Jaén Prize - the best swimmer from that province and finally, Conchita Fuentes Prize - family team award. There will also be a prize for the person who can hold his breath the longest underwater, which will be a wreath and discount on funeral costs (just joking... it's not very often that the Ed gets the chance for some politically incorrect humour recently) The swim across the bay is 2,000m (only 400 for the juniors). The time limit for the crossing is one hour, after which swimmers will be picked up or dredged off the bottom. If a lot more swimmers reach the finishing line than started off, it will probably be because the Moroccan Mafia got wind of the competitions.

A pretty important big wig from Saudi Arabia parked the equivalent to the QE2 in the bay in the morning of the of the 25th, as he did around the same time last year, for a spot of grub at La Parrilla - no that's what we call pulling power! Georg, the publisher, tried to get us a photo of the Royal Mega-Canoe but the mist in the bay, probably specially imported for the occasion, put the mockers on that.

Most of the planet Earth behind Urbanización San Antonio has disappeared. What looks like a huge meteorite impact is infact the junction for the new dual carriageway. Large sections of hillside have disappeared and a network of tracks, like a crazed, dusty Scaletrix have sprung up. You know that's the thing about Spanish motorway builders, they sit down for a fag before starting in the morning, decide to put down 100kms of modern dual carriageway before lunch, acheive 99,9kms, then sit round for a 6-year lunchbreak before completing the last 100 metres. Seriously, they do not move around in a flatulent manner, when it comes to road building, these lads. The only trouble is, the newly opened roads last less than their lunchbreaks.

Just to show you that we're not always writing about robberies, deaths and scandals, here's one about the scandal of the stolen corpse… Nah, just joking! While the human race makes life hell for animals in general, there are many amongst us who love animals - and we're not talking about zoophilism. The Granada based Centro de Recuperación de Especies Amenazadas (Recuperation Centre for Endangered Species), had one of their many success stories that normally are seldom mentioned in the press. Juan Ruiz from Almuñécar came across an albatross that had swallowed a fishing hook and which was not very impressed at the time. Juan took it home, which is rather like taking a Boeing 747 home, and looked CREA up in the phone book. They shot down to the coast and took the bird away before it completely wiped out Juan's crockery, ornaments and furniture. By the way the word, 'albatross' translates for 'alcatraz' - sound familiar? They operated on the bird to remove the hook and looked after it until it was fit again to be released - and before it wiped out their crockery, ornaments and furniture, as well. The Regional Minister for the Environment, himself, turned up on the big day. They all traipsed up to the highest point of Cerro Gordo and threw it off the cliff… fortunately they remembered to unstrap its wings first. It would be nice to say that it flew off gratefully into the sunset, but it just spiralled down onto the water and sat there until everybody got bored and went home.

There's no doubt about it - Juan Carlos Benavides is grateful for the votes that he received in La Herradura. Firstly, despite mumblings, grumblings and rumblings about a lack of funds in the town hall coffers, the new mayor has ordered road surfaces and tracks to be put in good order. The most visible one is La Acera de Pilar, where nearly 3,000 euros has been spent to turn its 'corrugated iron' like surface into a normal road. The track up to El Cerval/ Rescate will also be improved. And to cut a long story short: La Carreterra Matachina, Cuesta de los Perros, Cuesta del Marchante, Rancho Rio Verde, Carreterra de Rio Verde Alto and Los Bañuelos are also on the list. The whole road refurbishment programme will cost around 28,000 euros. Quite apart from this, Benny has announced that his town council will always be held in La Casa de la Cultura de Rio Jate, La Herradura, rather than Almuñécar. María Victoria Ruiz from La Herradura has been chosen as the Vice-Mayor and Chief Councillor for La Herradura, as well.

The village is a thirsty place. Thanks to its antiquated mains water system it could well run dry this summer. The problem is that the population has grown but the mains water pipes haven't. The village consumes 76% more water in the summer than in winter. There are ever more apartment blocks going up but the old pipes just cannot supply water at a faster or more prolific rate. All waterboard workers have had their summer holidays cancelled on the Costa Granadina and the installations are working flat out, 24 hours a day. Summing up, there's plenty of water - the reservoirs are at a very healthy level - but the pipe-work is not up to the demand.

The Guardia Civil has 'opened shop' in the Centro Jate, Casa de Cultura next to the municipal market. If you should need to see them you will find them there from 09.00 - 14.00. This is a relief because the villagers won't have to make their way to Almuñécar to file a complaint or such like. Fourteen months have passed since the police were forced to move to Almuñécar due to the lamentable state the old Guardia Civil post was in. As long as the politicians don't start squabbling over the P-6 building plan for La Herradura, where the new police station is due to be built, this very professional and effective police force should soon have a permanent base.

Does the name 'Zapatero' ring a bell? Well, he isn't a Mexican bandit or a professional cobbler. He is the chief opposition leader in the Spanish Parliament and socialist candidate for President of Spain in the 2004 elections. Jose Luis Zapatero will be spending his summer holidays in La Herradura together with his wife, children and father. He has rented a villa in one of the village's residential areas.

All change, Ladies and Gentlemen, because the new square that was imaginatively named 'Plaza Nueva' and in a rebellious moment of inspiration was renamed, 'Plaza de la Independencia' is going to have its old name back. This, in itself, is a very significant statement made by the PA governing party that reads loud and clear that Mr Mora is history. The remnants of the PILH independence party have criticised this move and labelled it 'political cleaning,' which is supposed to convey such negative connotations as 'ethnic cleaning' but fails miserably. The fact is that the name 'Plaza de la Independencia' smacks of 'Banana Republic' Probably, it will be a long time before the Europeans, especially of the Mediterranean variety, get away from calling streets and squares after dates that commemorate political upheavals. On the other hand 'Plaza Nueva' has a very obvious 'use by' date.

The cynical will say that it's a waste of time complaining about the state of the access roads to the Punta de la Mona, because the elections are over and politicians will be deaf until we pass the meridian point of the current legislature. Road works down in the village seem to demonstrate otherwise, however. The irony is that some of the heavy lorries that have created these WWI trench emplacements are cement lorries - what a pity they didn't spill a little on the way. The worst part is the top access road that comes off the main road just before the tunnel. This stretch of road is in reality the course of the old N340 before the tunnel was built. These, 'horse shoe lakes' of tarmac are handed over by the Ministry of Public Works to the local town hall in whose limits they lie, so there is no doubt about whose responsibility it is to maintain them. Should we hold our breath, though?

You might have spotted a small boat out in the bay cleverly disguised as a rubbish tip. This is just one of the fleet of three boats that have the unenviable task of skimming up all the floating rubbish… and we're not talking about politicians on holiday. This extra service came into being on the 1st of July and will continue until the 15th of September. The are also extra beach cleaning parties (work parties; not piss ups) and an increased rubbish collection service. The municipal authorities would like to remind you that you shouldn't but your rubbish out for collection before 20.00 (8 in the evening). To do so before hand will bring you in a nice fine! The reason is obvious: stuff left out during the day cooks and hums something wicked.

It is the Gazette's policy to express all times in the 24-hour-clock system - not to be awkward but to avoid confusion. Many non-native English Speakers read the magazine and the a.m./p.m. system confuses them… and if we are to be honest, a great number of Brits, too! The 24-hour clock is easy enough to decipher and it is universal. Any time from 13.00 onwards, just subtract 12.

Cats are cats, let's face it. You either like them or you don't - ask dogs. People who do, know that they give their affection with less frequency than they like to receive it. In fact, they're a bit like teenage offspring - you only see them around meal times, they sleep most of the day and they mysteriously turn up some time between when you've gone to bed and before you get up. Dogs, on the other hand are young children: they get nervous when you go out of the room. They're really pleased to see you when you get back and they're 100% dependent on you. Well, Rufo the cat is an exception. Rufo disappeared almost four years ago when his human family moved house. Rafael Ruiz, for work reasons, had to leave his hometown of La Herradura to work in Málaga. At first they were going to take Rufo with them, but in the end, it seemed more practical to leave him with a kindly old neighbour who would appreciate the company. They visited Rufo on two occasions soon after moving and on both of them it seemed that he had settled into the routine of avoiding his new neighbour's dogs, which were hell bent on introducing him to their gastric juices. However, on their third visit he had disappeared completely. Time passed. Weeks changed into months and then eventually into years and Rufo was given up for dead. Imagine Rafael's surprise then, when Rufo turned up nearly four years later during one of their yearly summer holidays here in La Herradura. There's no doubt about it - it's Rufo alright but where he has been and what he has been up to in the intervening years is a secret than only a cat knows how to keep… in purrfect silence!

July arrived with its usual influx of tourists meaning that there was the usual shortage of legal parking spaces in the village. Help is at hand, the underground car park beneath the Plaza de la Independencia has opened, which provides a secure and shaded area for your car but at 1 euro per hour. We think we will be scrapping for those legal parking spaces through August as well.

The parking issue has also prompted the police into action everyday issuing tickets to anyone and everyone that only nips into the ferretería for a minute or parks on a zebra crossing or yellow line. Business tip - buy a Grua. The police are also clamping down on those of us with scooters. They are checking all the paperwork and not wearing a helmet carries a 90 euro fine, so you have been warned.

While the local businesses welcome the outsiders, unfortunately there are some not so nice visitors also. One poor lady took her daughter into the sea for a paddle and on her return she found that she was minus a camera, again so beware.

The road outside the new hotel Almijara has been resurfaced to the relief of all that use it. Further down the hill, we welcome the return of Gaynor our hairdresser, who will be back at work on 1st August, following her unfortunate accident.

For all those big steak fans, El Ancla restaurant on the seafront is serving huge rib steaks but make sure you are hungry because these babies are big.

Nuevo Camping La Herradura at the end of the beach has opened a very pleasant beach bar for the summer, which is worth checking out at night for the very soothing lighting inside.

And finally, David from La Herradura Property Management had some good news last week when the police in Santander called to say they had found his Land Cruiser. He now has the arduous trek to collect it. At this moment it is unknown whether or not the thieves missed the boat.

One minute two municipal policemen are poncing around on their large cylinder motorbikes and the next they're receiving some GBH from a horse. Incidentally, before we tell you why, have you ever wondered why they need sod-off road bikes for pottering around the centre of town? Even the Guardia Civil policemen don't mind being seen on 250cc scooters so why should our glorious, combat-trained, mega-traffic wardens need large bikes to patrol the town? Never mind. So there they were sitting astride their bikes near the Balcón de Europa when one of them noticed a horse with nasty intentions bearing down on them. The trouble was the horse just happened to be attached to a cart, which hurts on contact. Down went one of them but the other blue hero managed to leg it, before coming back with a bystander to tackle the horse. This policeman - staring glory in the face - managed to hang on to the horse's neck whilst being dragged 25 metres before grinding to a halt. The horse and cart also managed to trample 4 mopeds (hooray!) and seriously rattle a booth with a blind "Once" ticket-seller inside. Such is a day in the life of 'Dicks on the Dork Green.' Too young to remember the 60's series?

Domestic violence is rife in Spain. It is a chilling fact that on average six women a month are murdered in Spain by their husbands. Here are just a few relevant headlines from the papers this year: A man kills his wife with a hoe; A man beats his wife to death with a stool; A man kills his wife with a frying-pan; A man kills his wife by throwing her out of the window; An old man beats his wife to death with a large rock and finally, A man kicks his wife to death. In one case, the woman had reported her husband on no fewer than 54 occasions but nothing was done about it. It is precisely because of this 'embarrassing' toll (for the Minister of Justice, that is) that things are starting to tighten up at last. So when M.S.G., a 34-year-old Brit, beats his wife up on Burriana Beach, worried bystanders make phone calls and the police soon turn up to arrest him. Although this occurred at the beginning of summer, it is still worth mentioning because what starts off as a beating - something that has no justification in itself - tends to end in the morgue.

Do you have an old town house in Frigiliana and would like a grant to restore the facade? Tough! Nah, only joking. Jog around to the town hall and enquire about El Plan de Rehibilitación Autonómicas de Viviendas because you could receive a grant for 50% of the total costs from the Regional Government (La Junta de Andalucía). On the other hand, you might get bugger all but the exercise will do you good! Things are improving, Ladies and Gentlemen, because before if you had gone round to the town hall for that sort of thing, you would have received a round of applause and an old hat to put on the ground, between your feet and been told to go and sit on the street corner for the rest of the day.

Bastille Day Bash! Marie Antoinette, alias Lyn of Ambience, and co-presenter of Sunshine Radio's Two's Company show, offered gifts of wine and pastries to the lucky ones at Sunshine Radio's Bastille day bash. Assisted by her colleague and husband Mike, Katrina and others from the Station. Difficult questions were asked, such as 'What was The Bastille?' a prison or a holiday camp? For the lucky winners, wine was given by sponsors Palms International Restaurant of Nerja. One lucky entrant won a 25-euro voucher for a meal for two at Palms, presented by Gerard the restaurant's Chef. Others walked away with pastries provided by Au Parfait Gourmand and just so we didn't go hungry, cherry tart was handed out to all! A successful day in which money was also raised for Animales Andalucia to provide much needed help for this worthy charity. Many thanks to those who gave.

The picture shows Mike & Lyn presenting the prize of a bottle of wine to Emma Hall of Nerja Ayuntamiento who kindly came to lend her support.

Angry bathers have been hammering on Nerja town hall's door because every time you want to rent a hammock on the beach, the stall that rents them out is closed. This is not the first year that there has been a 'Mutiny on the Hammocks.' Consequently, the town hall has sent out a written blow to the testicles to the 13 businesses that rent out hammocks on the beach, telling them that if they do not remain open until 8 o'clock in the evening, they will loose their licence. We have been translating 'hamacas' for 'hammocks,' which is the correct translation, but we suspect that the silly sods meant 'tumbonas,' which means beach-beds. Perhaps there are hammocks on Burriana Beach?

Frigiliana is going to have a good face-lift. More specifically, El Mirador de Bancales is. A project costing 520,000 euros that includes the revamping of the Avenida de Carlos Cano, which runs some 600 metres. Street lighting, 'artistic' paving, gardens, benches, litter-bins and railings will be installed 'in harmony' with its rustic environment. And under the surface water mains and sewers will run along its whole length. Hmmm. Sounds nice but we won't break out the party hats and bubbly until we see it finished.

Ouch! Let's face it alarm clocks are not pleasant. Alarm clock designers try to make them more agreeable by incorporating the 'snooze' button or an alarm that starts off quietly and in an apologetic manner gets cautiously louder. But, if there is something worse than being woken up by an alarm clock - with snooze mode activated or not, it's being woken up by a tractor and trailer driving over you. One Frenchman fell asleep on one of Nerja's beaches, no doubt hoping to be awoken by the gently lapping of the waves on a lazy Mediterranean beach but woke up instead being processed by the beach-cleaning trailer towed behind the municipal tractor. He was extracted and rushed off to the area hospital of Axarquía to treat injuries to both legs. The driver was obviously looking over his shoulder and didn't expect to come across an Frenchman cleverly disguised as a sandcastle at that time of the morning. It could have been worse, of course - he could have fallen asleep in a cornfield.

Thanks to a power surge in the centre of Nerja, fifty homes had their electrical appliances wiped out. This is the third time in three years that this has happened. The surge originated at the transformer in Méndez Núñez Street and cause the current to jump from 240v to 380v Carlos Jiménez immediately reported the damage to his house to the Guardia Civil because he is not a happy bunny. This is the third time that this has happened to him and as he says, it always happens at the same time of year. The last time the Electricity Company took five months to hand over compensation. It's not only the inconvenience, because such a surge turns some of your electrical appliances into fireworks, with the subsequent risk of a fire in the house. Juana del Pino lost her fridge-freezer with all the food in it, her electric cooker, and dishwasher, amongst other things. "The TV went up in smoke and all the light bulbs exploded!" she remarked. The Mayor, José Alberto Armijo was amongst those effected.

Congratulations! It will continue to be 'see you later!' and not 'farewell!' to the by-products of your digestive systems until 2006 because the new sewage plant won't be coming into action! The town of Nerja, like many coastal towns, has been hammering at the doors of the Regional Government for the last twenty years for a sewage treatment plant that will save our beaches from the T*rd Tide which frolicks boisterously amongst the many bathers. Now the Regional Government has frozen the contract bidding for such a plant because the specifications announced were insufficient to the actual needs of the town. There might be a lot of human excrement coming from our sewers but there seems to be a greater amount of bull excrement coming from the authorities. They say that they had foreseen a population of 50,000 when in reality it is closer to 80,000. So it looks like the 3,274m euros set by for the project will be insufficient, but even at this amount, it is already one of the most expensive projects financed by the Ministry of Environment. In the meantime be 'environment friendly' and eat less.

Oh my God! Another one on Cerro Gordo-Maro Natural Park. Here goes but readers are warned that I might just turn the damned computer off and sod off to bed half way through. The Regional Government decided that nobody could go into the park in any motor vehicle, so if you want to use one of its beaches - walk! Consequently the beaches have never looked better... because they're empty. The Regional Government, however, are understanding people so they've suggested to the town hall that they would be willing to contribute to a system wherein the Nerja town hall provides a 4x4 transport shuttle service for beach users and even a small boat for ferrying people there, too. Sounds reasonable, right? The town hall replied that they had a better idea, which is the following: Rio de Miel Beach, which is only 150 metres longs should have a maximum capacity of 30 vehicles and 150 people and El Cañuelo Beach will permit 1,500 people and 110 vehicles. Just about everybody commented that they must be joking. But while Sevilla and Nerja don't see eye-to-eye, Almuñécar couldn't give a donkey's blistered testicle about protecting their end of the park and lets everybody hit the beach so that it resembles the first 20 minutes of 'Saving Private Ryan.'

Warning! Nerja town hall announced that stray cats on Burriana beach will be caught and put down. Watch your cat!