The temperature towards the end of July rose and belligerently squatted over our coast. Of course, for those who live inland, things were much worse. Most locals enjoy the winter and love spring and autumn. Summer, on the other hand, is when Almuñequeros, Herradureños and Nerjeños pine for somewhere different - somewhere far away from all the crowds, queues and town traffic.

Bearing that in mind, we took a look in a few travel agents' front windows and compared the prices of our competitors in the tourism sector... You would be surprised by what you can do with the money that most of our visitors spend to be able to enjoy a week of their precious summer holidays with us... Or would you?

Ok, let's have a think about what we have to offer visitors, compared with what's on general offer elsewhere.

In a recent newspaper article it showed that, on average, you're looking at paying 600 euros a week in La Herradura or Almuñécar for a small two-bedroomed flat. Now, without going into whether that is fair or abusive, let's take that as an indicator. If you were to take a quick glance at any of the local travel agents between Cerro Gordo and Taramay, you will see the following (all prices per head):

From 325 euros: The Canary Islands are available, seven nights, with flights and breakfast included.
From 400 euros: Turkey, London, and Paris.
From 425 euros: The Balearic Islands, (Palma or Camp del Mar), seven nights, half pension and flights included.
From 500 euros: Coach excursions to Morocco (Rabat/Casablanca/Marrakech), one week.
From 564 euros: Galicía (Rías Bajas de Galicía), three-star hotel, seven nights (eight days), Food & excursions included.
From 800 euros: The Caribbean, (Dominican Republic), all included.
From 945euros: Italy (from Málaga), seven nights, guide, full pension and excursions included.
From 1,254 euros: Moscow, Saint Petersburg or Budapest, seven nights, food, excursions and four-star hotel accommodation included.
From 1,265 euros: Jordan (Amman/Umgais/Dead Sea), five-star hotel lodging, (some companies even go as low as 500 euros).
From 1,400 euros: Bali, eight days/five nights, breakfast and excursions included.

Now, bear in mind that these tempting offers are aimed at our hitherto domestic clientele. As for foreign visitors to our shore, imagine what London and Paris travel agents have to offer, for further along the Med or in the Near & Far east!

We might think that we're still the prettiest girl at the ball, but more and more young gentlemen have their eyes on the door, where a procession of young beauties are attracting attention. We can be forgiven our wrinkles, if we have something that the youngsters don't - experience and class. Are we guilty of plastering the make-up on, which will only deceive at a distance? Make-up, after all, has never been an efficient substitute for a good deodorant, has it?

It looks as though the Old Persons Home, which was to be built with the funds from the Socorro Oróñez Foundation, is not going to come about. In fact, the foundation is going to be dissolved. It was the Archibishop of Granada, who was appointed (or who appointed himself) as the chairman of the trust, who gave the news, saying that it had run into economic difficulties. This news was communicated to the Vice-Mayor of Almuñécar, who commented, "The project has only been running a short time and it costs so much work to set it up. It was backed up with 2,500 signatures and all the different political forces backed the scheme." The provincial head of the Orden Hospitilaria de San Juan de Diós said that his religious order will continue to do what it has always done with the estate of Socorro Ordónez - help the poor and elderly. This sounds wonderful but the Church is already facing criticism for pocketing money left in a will that was left for a similar purpose as Socorro Ordónez. In the case of this other donation to the elderly, this time in the city of Granada, the Bishop of Granada allegedly sat on the estate for 20 years, without doing anything, other than collecting the interest. Never mind.

A citizen of Almuñécar (Emilio Varela from La Herradura) has donated 15,000sqms to an animal association as a plot for dog kennels. More specifically, to Julia Lochbrunner, who has been running a home for dogs for the last four years (Ask Robin Viles!) "In my back garden I have saved 2,400 animals and in this time I have been able to count on the town hall for support when my neighbours have complained," she said. She also added that at the end of the month she will host a tea party on this newly-acquired piece of land so that people can discover where it is and to collect funds. "We are an animal protection association - our aim is to protect them; not put them down, unless they are very sick," she pointed out. Since the foundation of this animal protection association, they have been sending animals to Europe, especially Sweden, for adoption. In fact, they have sent over 1,000 animals. "On many occasions, these animals have become 'Ambassadors of Almuñécar' because their new owners come here to see what their town of origin is like," said Julia.

The tenants of Barrio de los Marinos near Chinasol are all back in their renovated council houses and should all be happy - but they're not. In fact, the neighbourhood association for this council estate has asked the town hall not to return the building deposit (aval) to the construction company that carried out the work. Everybody - be it a huge building contractor or an private individual - who wishes to build his house, must hand over a bank guarantee to the town hall, before they commence building work. This money is there to cover any damages that might be caused to public or adjacent property during the building work. Only when the construction is finished will the individual or company be able to retrieve these funds. In this case, Ferrovial Agroman carried out the fourth phase of the renovation work. Residents in el Barrio de los Marinos want the damages and half-finished botch jobs rectified before the company can reclaim its bank deposit. They complain that the upper and lower access roads are impassable, thanks to the constant traffic of heavy machinery. They also point out that the steps leading down from the Calle Melva are unfinished. There is still no street lighting at the time of the writing of this article (18/7).

Everything goes up in the summer, so it shouldn't come as a surprise to learn that the municipal tow-truck service harvests a 30% increase in 'clients,' in the sticky season. In a bid to be more efficient, the service has been extended to cover a 24-hour period. This was announced by the Councillor for Transport and Citizen Security, Daniel Barbero, at the inauguration of service of the new company charged with this duty: Estacionamientos y Servicios S.A. Two tow trucks will be operating up to the 15th September, one of which will be on 24-hour call out and the other operating 16 hours a day. During the winter months the service will only operate between 08.00 and midnight - unless the local police request its presence. The present contract is for two years and is renewable under mutual accord. One more new point is that the underground area beneath the municipal swimming pool, under Plaza Nueva, La Herradura, will be used as a car compound. The dubious honour of having your car removed will cost you 50 euros and, in the case of a motorbike, 30 euros. You will also have to cough up the fine. Take note, under Spanish law you will have to present your car documents and a valid insurance policy to be able to retrieve the vehicle. So, now you know; if instead of your four-wheeled penis extension, you find a sticker on the pavement where you had left it, you will know where to look.

The full might of the Almuñecan Navy can be seen along our beaches performing the perilous task of skimming the crap off the top of the water. Now, when we say 'crap,' we use the word in the figurative sense, as officially human digestive refuse doesn't exist off our fair beaches. Actually, the town hall pays a private company to sail the high seas in search of floating offendibles and flippant flotsam. The 'minesweepers' are on patrol from 11.00 to 15.00 and then 16.00 to 20.00. The municipal coastal waters have been divided into three 'theatres of offensive operations': from the Salobreña limit, up to and including Velilla; from Puerto del Mar to the Playa del Muerto and finally one to cover La Herradura. The admiral... sorry, the head of the company points out that everyday the amount of plastic bags etc that are 'fished out' could fill several large sacks. Whilst on the subject of beaches, it is worth noting the comments of the Councillor for the Environment, Sr. Alabarce, who complains that the provincial authorities still haven't provided the town with the beach material requested. Said material, in the opinion of the councillor, probably won't arrive until the summer is long past. He puts this down to the fact that the new woman in charge up there in Granada is less than efficient - not like the previous one, who, quite naturally, belongs to his own party. Tellingly, he failed to point out that the previous lady in charge just happened to be the Mayor's wife.

There was a real fear at the beginning of July that the municipal riding school (picadero) would close during the peak season. The reason was that the contract with the company running it had expired. It was finally agreed upon that this company should continue running it until a successful bidder for the contract was found. Quite a lot of public money was spent on the building, providing new stables and a paddock, better access and a small keeper's lodge. The outgoing company had done a good job of promoting and achieving the reputation of being one of the best in Andalucía, thanks to their efforts at national and international horse fairs.

Well, we've finally got a name for the new square-cum-gardens right in front of the football stadium - Jardines de Alhucemas. Unfortunately, it sounds a bit like Alucinas, which translates into 'you're hallucinating' but never mind. In case you're wondering what Alhucemas really means or where it comes from, then we can tell you that it is the name of a Moroccan village that is twinned with Almuñécar. This was just one of the things that were decided upon at the Town Council meeting towards the end of July. It was also approved to cede the land behind Las Gondolas to the Government, as a plot for the new law courts. Finally, one of the councillors present won the Sub-Official Secret & Silent Fart Blowing Competition but refused to come forward and collect the prize, despite the interest and admiration shown by those present.

Don't forget - as if you could - that the Almuñécar annual fiestas culminate on the 15th with a humungerbunger firework display. But there is more than just this pyromaniacs' tea party to see during the fiesta week, beginning on the 9th. However, don't expect me to inform you because I haven't got a clue what they are planning this month. No doubt we will be informed just after we have gone to print.

Unfair Persecution or Fair Prosecution? Of course, this could be taken as referring to Juan Carlos Benavides or the 40 bathers that are suing him for removing their beach gear - and that is deliberate. On Wednesday 21st July over 50 bathers returned to find their umbrellas... gone! In some cases they had only nipped off to enjoy a quick beer at the nearest beach bar. Livid, most of them marched off to the town hall and registered their complaint. Unsatisfied with the response, they then trooped off to the Guardia Civil post and lodged an official collective denuncia, accusing the Mayor of 'theft.' Some of them, however, were not innocent victims - they were the dreaded beach squatters, who pay others or ask friends to stake out a choice plot until they can be bothered to appear themselves... many hours later. This new and controversial municipal law, which was formulated in the winter had no sooner been put into practise than everybody was up in arms. But it's an old problem that has worsened over the years to such a degree that the Town Council decided to step in. People pay others to plant their beach umbrella at 7.00 and to keep an eye on it until they arrive, which normally isn't until about 11.00. People who turn up around mid morning, discover the beach looking like a multi-coloured mushroom farm and find nowhere to sit. Everybody agrees that this is an abuse. With this in mind, the Town Council decided to bring out a local regulation that prohibits this: any beach umbrella found unattended will be removed. Some tourists have already vowed never to return, which raises a disturbing question: is life not difficult enough for Almuñécar's few faithful visitors without this last slap in the face? Others see it differently. The beach is for all and to be used fairly without people greedily staking out claims so that nobody can use it even though the 'owners' have no intention of occupying it until five hours later. You will often hear the Almuñéqueros complaining about the Granadinos who, in the locals' opinion, believe that the town is their own private back yard and that this usurpation of public space is just another example of their arrogance. Nobody is sure what will happen now. Will the Mayor back down? Will this be the final straw that broke the camel's back for our besieged visitors? Up until this incident, other towns along the coast had been considering taking similar steps - perhaps they'll decide to wait and see.

Otivar will be holding an exhibition again this year entitled, Exporural. The event will be held on the 6th, 7th and 8th of this month. The actual location is about 100 metres down the first entrance, and is on the left. It's easy to find because there is a park-cum-terrace on top. Last summer the event, the first of its kind in Otivar, went down very well, with people coming from all the nearby towns and villages to attend.

The Mayor announced that the town hall will be doing up the old town by San Miguel Castle. The first phase, which has a budget of 255.400 euros, will affect four major streets up there: San Miguel, Antigua, Higuera de Clavelico and Santa Adela. Basically, the work will centre on the water mains & drains, the electrical cables, the telephone network and public lighting. The streets will also be resurfaced with 'aged' cobblestones. "This kind of surface is much used in the old parts of towns like Marbella," says the Mayor, adding that the street lighting will be replaced by the same type that is already installed in the commercial areas of the town. The Mayor pointed out that this is only the first phase of a project that aims to improve the three historic centres of our communities: El Castillo, Barrio San Sebastian and the old part of La Herradura.

Tourists and residents alike were amazed to see a procession of Medieval/Renaissance dudes filing down from the main church on their way up to the castle. This colourful act was just part of the event that was to last two days. More than two thousand people visited the castle and the Medieval Fair and the Moors and Christian theatre play. In fact, it awoke so much interest that the Town Council is studying the possibility of holding such an event every year around this time. The whole thing was organised by women's association Futuro Costa. Basically, the Medieval Market is very similar to the one that has been hosted by Salobreña these last few years. Many of the stalls sold pastry goodies produced by the women's association. "We would like that this activity serves to provide employment for the members of our association," commented Fina Rodríguez, who is the chairwoman of the club. The Moors and Christian theatre play was put on by locals from Zújar, which is up between Granada and Guadix. This village has a curious annual fiesta. It is curious because the village is at the foot of the only hill for miles around and the villages bear the Throne of the Virgin up to the top on their shoulders- which is quite a haul, even without a weighty María on your back. The mayor of the village is one of the actors in the play. Many Almuñequeros (Almuñecans) followed the procession up to the castle, where there was a queue to gain entry, even after the play had finished. But if you're interested, you haven't missed your chance to see the Medieval Fair, as it will continue on weekends during the summer period.

A bit of desperate but splendid parking can be seen in this photoabove. Anybody who was up early on Sunday the 11th and on their way along San Cristóbal beach will have seen this spot of painful parking right on the bridge over Rio Seco. The car had contained two youngsters, who had obvious enjoyed a long night out on the tiles because at 07.00 they ploughed into the low wall, right next to the churreria. Fortunately, it still wasn't open at the time so nobody had to be taken to the hospital with a heart attack. A churrería, by the way, is a type of kiosk where they sell fried batter spirals. It's a very Spanish tradition to breakfast with churros and chocolate and quite apart from the excellent taste, it's quite an attraction to see the skilful preparation and 'pouring' of batter into smoking hot fat. Try it!

'Many unimportant people in many unimportant places are doing small things that will change the face of the Earth.' That is the motto of the various ecologist groups that are based and operating in our province. For many, the Day of Action for the Coast (17th July) came and went without their realising it. The ecologist group Alborán, for example, set up a stand on Playa Poniente in Motril, where they explained about the various daily aggressions being carried out on the marine flora and fauna. They also gave a demonstration on how to re-float a beached cetaceans (whale/porpoise or dolphin), Buxus, on the other hand, set about cleaning up the cliffs of Calahonda and organised a tree planting season, in which 25 algarrobos (carob trees) were planted. After that they gave a chat on the yellow-footed seagulls that nest along the coastline of Granada. Here in Almuñécar, however, the tone was more remonstrative. The Ecologistas en Acción raised a black flag on the beach in front of the extinct Paseo del Altillo. This was in protest about the non-functioning or malfunctioning of the sewage treatment plants along the coast. According to Javier Egea, who is the chairman for this group, not one of the plants along the coast of Granada are working properly, with the result that bathers are swimming in contaminated waters. "It doesn't matter how far out the sewage is pumped offshore, sooner or later it returns," he pointed out. The black flag that they raised was also in protest at the Altillo car park, which they qualified as 'unnecessary' (in its present location) and detrimental to many in the economic favour of few. The municipal councillor responsible for the beaches said in the Town Council's defence that the sewage treatment plants are the responsibility of the Ministry of the Environment and not of the town hall. He also said that, whilst he recognised that the building work on the Paseo was creating 'certain' discomfort, it was justifiable in the general advancement of the town.

Almuñécar's Jazz en la Costa is making a place for itself in the International Jazz festival network. Despite its small budget, compared with other jazz festivals, it is attracting quality musicians of international repute. To give you an idea of the cost of putting the annual event on, it is worth quoting the following. Even with a 20% increase in the budget, which brought the funds available up to 188,000 euros, it is still far below the money spent of the San Sebastian International Jazz Festival, which enjoys a budget of over 1.2m euros. Even so, word has got round that Almuñécar in July, down in the south of Spain, is the place to be seen playing. Sadly, private sponsorship hasn't caught on to this. This year the only private company to contribute was Cervezas Alhambra. By the time that the XVII Festival de Jazz en la Costa 2004 closed, an estimated 15,000 people had enjoyed the event.

So let's talk about names. Mike Stern played on the 9th in front of the singular backdrop of San Miguel Castle. Mike Stern, who comes recommended by Pat Metheny, started off in the legendary Blood, Sweat and Tears. Since then he has played in the Billy Cobham jazz-rock band and with the jazz giant, Miles Davis. Apart from that, Mike Stern was voted as the Best Jazz Guitarist of the Year (1993) by the Guitar Player magazine. After this, two of his albums, Is What It Is and Between The Lines, both of which received nominations for Grammies.

Kenny Barrón Trio (14th) is one of the big names in today's jazz world. Kenny Barton is the epitome a modern jazz pianist: he is an excellent composer and has developed and refined harmonic and rhythmic formulas, hitherto unexplored. Born in Philadelphia in 1943, he moved to New York in 1960 to play with James Moody and Roy Haynes. Just one year later he joined Dizzy Gillespie as an established Bebop artist. After that he worked with Stan Getz, Stanley Turrentine, Ron Carter, Victor Lewis, Rufus Reid and the group Sphere. Kenny Barrón, without doubt, is an essential part of contemporary jazz History.

Summing up, the Almuñécar International Jazz Festival is something that we should all be proud of.

The Season's first Fire
It was Almuñécar's first fire of the summer season. The fire that reportedly started at the old municipal rubbish dump soon spread west and threatened Rancho Rio Verde. However, the fire was more spectacular than potent because most of what burnt was just dry grass and gorse. The thick, black, imposing smoke gave the impression of something more ominous but was the result of plastic and rubber materials at the dump. Thanks to its proximity to the N-340, drivers had a good eyeful of the flames taunting the firemen on the hillside just north of the Cotobro Bridge. The Guardia Civil and local police were quick to cut the access roads to the rubbish dump and Urbanisación Rancho Rio Verde to pyro-gawkers.

Although it was a brush fire, it took 100 fire fighters, four fire-bowser lorries, two aircraft and five helicopters just over five hours to put the fire out, but not before it consumed 80 hectares. There were moments of concern that led to 16 people being evacuated from their cortijos. The very next day the provincial authorities opened up an investigation in-to the outbreak of the fire at the dump, as it should have been sealed months ago. In fact, the town hall was already facing a 6,000 euros fine for precisely that reason.

It didn't take long for political retributions to appear in the press. The left-wing Izquierda Unida party were generous with their concept of who was to blame, spreading the guilt between the municipal, provincial and regional authorities. The PP decided to keep things on a more local scale and blamed only the governing party - the PA (Benavides). The PSOE spokeswoman, Rocío Palacios, strongly criticised the Mayor for maintaining the dump open. The Mayor, on the other hand, blamed both the PP and the PSOE. Whatever the case, there appears to be as much rubbish coming out of the headquarters of each political party and the Mayor's office as there is lying about up in the municipal dump.

The latest completion date for the Nerja to La Herradura stretch of coastal motorway is February 2006. From this moment on, according to those on high, we will be able to use it. The first stone of the motorway for this stretch was laid two years ago and since then 50% of this 9.5km stretch has been completed. Just one of the engineering feats along the way is the Rio de la Miél bridge, which will be 380mts long and, at some points, will be perched on top of 100mt columns. A point of interest is that these columns might look solid but they are not - they're hollow and have only 30cm thick casing. One of the advantages of this system will be to provide homes for hawks and bats, for example. And, yes, we know that it is not really a motorway, but a dual carriageway.

The noose is tightening on Big Bad Benny over the Jardines de Adnania building scandal in Marina del Este. The Almuñécar law courts have accepted a case for trial, which has been presented by the public prosecutor of the Tribunal Superior de Justicia de Andalucía. The public prosecutor accuses the Mayor, Juan Carlos Benavides, the Municipal Architect and the builder of the Jardines de Adnania of going ahead with the building work on this Marina de Este residential estate, despite the fact that the licence had already been revoked by court order, (March 2004). For the second time, the immediate paralysing of building work on the project has been called for - the first request was completely ignored by the Almuñécan governing council. The relevant ministry has also ordered an investigation to see if it can be proved that Sr. Benavides and the Municipal Architect have been guilty of committing an act of perversion of the course of justice and failing in their duty to report alleged criminal activities. As far as the building promoter goes, the prosecutor considers that they might be guilty of illegal seizure (of green belt land). One of the considerations that the judge took into account was a report from the Provincial Department of the Environment. The said report pointed out that there was, "a situation that is completely out of control, which will have very worrying short and long term consequences." It adds that the sewage problem has worsened because, "in the area there has been a recent housing construction and nobody appears to know where the sewage goes." And finally, "The Almuñécar governing council neither acts nor lets act" To top it all of, it has now become apparent that the owner of the building company had, until recently, been a business partner of the Municipal Architect. Oh, what a surprise!

Whilst on the subject of the Marina del Peste... Sorry, I mean Marina del Este, news has come through about a new sewage network to be installed. Yes, it looks like the steamy images of brimming sewage broth pervading the Marina are soon to be a thing of the past. This is due to a deal struck between the Town Council and the construction companies, the latter of which have agreed to invest 600,000 euros in smiting & righting the smelly wrongs & pongs of our sabotaged Marina. The actual work will be carried out by Hermanos García Motril and the coughing up will be done by Maeste, Compomarina 2000, Adnania Internacional, Hermanos Montilla and the Comunidad de Usuarios de Marina de Este. "With this work it is intended to do away with a situation that was absolutely unsustainable because of a lack of basic council services in the area," said the Mayor. Have you ever wondered, by the way, why politicians can't speak like the rest of us? I mean what was wrong with saying, "We're going to cut the crap and clear up the crap," for example? Never mind. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Lone Ranger, cleverly disguised as himself, was discovered singing, 'YMCA' in front of a full length mirror... Up until then, Tonto hadn't thought it strange that his partner always dressed in tight-fitting cowboy clothes and wore a pert, black leather mask. And you wonder why the Lone Ranger called him, Tonto? Anyway, back to the article... The whole sewage network will be overhauled and connected up to the Rio Jate sewage treatment plant. But not everybody will be connected up! El Parcelón and the Comunidad de Propietarios Marina Playa have their own sewage disposal system, which was approved by the Ministry of Environment. Well, that's Marina del Este First Phase sorted out. I don't know about the Marina de Este, Second Phase but let's hope that the Marina del Este, Turd Phase will soon be history.

The village's medical centre continues to raise blood pressure and spread ink across pages of newsprint. As we mentioned in last month's issue, even after twenty year of existence, the centro médico lacks a clerk. Now, the bricklayer who had been charged with handing out the appointment numbers has disappeared. This brick layer-cum-administrative clerk-cum-janitor had been 'lent' by the town hall to cover this function. On the fateful morning of the 5th July, the doors remained closed and the queue of expectant patients grew. Finally an ATS (nurse) turned up and braved the storm. He finally handed over two registers and told the patients that they should write their names in them and that the doctor would phone them when he could attend them. Some of those gathered decided that they wanted to put their names in another kind of book - the complaints book, but true to the La Herradura medical centre efficiency, there wasn't one. But these would-be patients are not the only ones who are losing their patience. The queue begins to form up outside the entrance to the centre at about 06.00 and by 06.30 the grumbling and griping below won't let anybody sleep in the adjacent apartment blocks. The latest news is that villagers now have a ticket dispenser, similar to the ones that butchers use, with a number on it. "Come in number 99, your time is up... But we don't have a number 99... Number 66, are you feeling alright?"

The Punta crowd should be able to sleep more easily after the recent arrests in Motril. Sixty policemen took part in a raid that rounded up ten chalet burglars/robbers. Residents in the Las Explanadas zone of Motril were awoken to the sounds of doors being smashed open and the shouted order, "Get on the floor and don't move." The ten persons arrested - seven men and three women - were all Rumanians. They operated all along this part of the coast and targeted luxury cars, jewels and computer equipment. This, Ladies and Gentlemen, was the gang that wrought havoc on La Herradura's Punta de la Mona and other luxury residential estates. The National Police had been tracking them since last November. The head quarters or base for this intrepid and highly professional gang was a flat, right in the centre of Motril (2-4c Jacinto Benavente, Las Explanadas.) The owner of the flat later commented that he thought that his tenants were farm labourers. "They always paid on time and never gave me any problems," she added. However, neighbours say that it was very suspicious that between twelve and fourteen people would visit the flat every day, all carrying laptop computers and such like.

Clearly Chloe (by Chloe Sclater)
Desperately Seeking a Story. Since I was invited to lend my own literary genius to the Gazette, I have of course developed writer's block... Where do I start? What would you like to hear about? So this is my appeal: Help! Calling all readers! Give me a clue, what would you really like to hear more about? If you have any suggestions, a good story or some useful info. that you would like to share, you can contact me by email: chloe_sclater@hotmail.com. Alternatively, drop in to Simon Yard Young on the Paseo next to the small MENI supermarket, where I can usually be found mornings 10 - 2, unless I have popped across to Isla de Capri for my compulsory morning manchada…

S.S.S. and Bubble Wrap Back. Well, as you've probably all noticed summer is definitely here, along with territorial parasol pitching, anarchic parking trends, bikini clad shoppers in the supermarkets, heat, mozzies, dust and more heat - don't you just love it? I sometimes wonder whatever happened to my year-long cravings for summertime. I guess that was before I enjoyed the privilege of having summer conditions virtually all year round. Blasé, that is what I've become...

Anyway, to combat the S.S.S. (Summer Stress Syndrome) I thought I'd treat myself to a little massage. I popped in to see Claire at Evolucion (behind Café Luciano) and asked if she would do the honours. What proceeded was a full 30 minutes of bliss as Claire masterfully kneaded and smoothed the stresses and strains away. I also experienced the rather novel sensation of my back transforming into one big sheet of bubble wrap as Claire popped the stress knots that had set up a colony in my back. I resurfaced half an hour later looking like I had awoken from the 100-year sleep (Sleeping Beauty that's me!). My face was noticeably more relaxed and softer looking, the whites of my eyes clearer and brighter, and both body and soul felt deeply relaxed and refreshed.

A word of advice though, after a massage it is important to drink lots of fluids, eat lightly and get plenty of rest. Massage can release a lot of tension and toxins, similar to an intensive workout, thus it is advisable to opt for a massage when you know you have time afterwards to relax and really optimize the benefits of the massage.

The beginning of the holidays coincided with the repainting of pedestrian crossings and the introduction of disabled parking spaces on the seafront. What a good idea! Odd timing though, I wonder why they waited until the busiest time of the year had arrived to block roads off due to paint drying and such. Well, we do want to appear to be an efficient and conscientious pueblo, do we not?

Have any of you noticed the man and wife Gitano double act ambling up and down the Paseo, going into offices and shops asking for money? They offer neither smile nor greeting only a sullen outstretched hand and have now been warned off by the Guardia Civil after complaints from local businesses that they were scaring off holiday makers and clients (must be the man's rather impressive mullet hairstyle). It makes you wonder why two young, able-bodied individuals are not working for their money - is it through choice or difficulty finding employment because of their Gitano status?

This year's summer school is a great success. I speak from personal experience of course, as my 3-year-old daughter comes home every day, dirty from head to foot, grinning from ear to ear, clutching the fruit of the day's labours in the shape of bread dough, painted pebbles, bottled sand patterns or cookies, Wow! They have a lot of varied and stimulating activities and every Thursday is Beach Day with a patch of beach sectioned off to prevent wandering! The summer school was a long-awaited and well-needed facility, as child care facilities in La Herradura remain poor. Unfortunately, the question still remains as to who will look after the kids once summer school ends (31st August) until normal school begins (15th September)? Unless you have an obliging abuela tucked up your sleeve, the only other option for working parents is to pay the going rate for childcare which is approx. 6 euros per hour. When you compare this with the average hourly wage, you can easily see how absurd the situation is. Could this be why Spain has one of the lowest birth statistics in Europe? Although we are all very pleased and grateful to have a summer school, we do still need to push for more comprehensive, low-cost childcare facilities for working parents.

With the soaring temperatures we must all remember to drink, drink, drink (water that is). The most vulnerable to dehydration are young children and elderly people , of course, animals should not be forgotten either. This brings me to remind all you pet owners out there of Karen's pet care service. Karen is there to cater for all your pets needs, whether it's training you require, babysitting whilst you're away, or simply taking the dog out for a walk. If you're planning on going away, Karen can come and visit and care for your pet in its own home environment, thus allowing you the peace of mind to relax and enjoy your holiday. Karen can be contacted on 660 231 325.

Doctor Hard-Long ties the knot!
We would like to warmly congratulate Susie and Simon Yard-Young on their recent wedding in High Wickam, England on the 14th July. The whole family was in attendance and the reception was held in a local pub where they were even lucky enough to enjoy a few rays of sunshine despite the ghastly British summer! Back in Spain, a party to celebrate their marriage was held in the Clipper Bar on Sat 25th July. The party began at 21.30 and went on well into the early hours. Amongst the 80 odd guests, there was a healthy mixture of nationalities and generations and Simon and Susie were delighted to discover that the first guests to arrive had made the surprise journey all the way from Germany! Rafa and the team at the Clipper Bar did an excellent job keeping everyone happy. A delicious buffet was provided and of course there was no shortage of drinks to keep everyone well watered throughout the night. A special mention to Marie-Trini, who admirably slaved the night away in a very hot kitchen on an even hotter night… Simon and Susie would particularly like to thank everyone for their generous contributions towards the children's home in Goa, India. Simon and Susie already sponsor a child in India and it was their preferred choice that any wedding gifts should be in the form of donations towards the children's school. All in all it was a great night enjoyed by all and we wish them the greatest happiness for the future.

Old age pensioners will now be able to enjoy the municipal swimming pool for physical exercise or simply to have a good wallow. Coupled with this, the tourist mini train will be available to take pensioners to the pool, which is in the Urbanización Fabiola.

A Four-day Camel Trek? "I wish," thought Amanda Josiah, heroically resisting the urge to nurse her tired feet. She wandered into the room, jubilant that she had just walked from Gibraltar to Nerja in four days. Gibraltar to Estepona (8hrs), Estepona to Fuengirola (12hrs), Fuengirola to Malaga (8hrs) and Malaga to Nerja (8hrs). Why? In aid of the White Dove Trust, which is a charity supporting the street kids of Peru. Their aim is to be able to buy a pair of shoes and a Christmas present for as many of the kids as possible, This is part of their 'Santa Claus Goes to Peru' campaign. During her walk so far, Amanda has raised 954 euros. On the 11th September at the Riu Hotel, Torrox Costa, they will be having another fund-raising event with Frank Sinatra (Jo King), Flamenco Dancers, Blues Bands and many others, donating their fee to the campaign. Please attend or support this event if you can, or visit amanda @thewhitedovetrust.com for more info.

Pressure is building up on the Town Council to provide a cycle lane along the old N-340 between Nerja and Maro. This comes after the completion of the pedestrian pathway alongside the N-340. A total of six kilometres have been laid down. However, Rafael Rivas (PP) has commented that at the moment there is no 'land' available along the side of the road for such a lane but that when the regional government (La Junta de Andalucía) authorises the re-assessment of the El Playazo area from 'agriculture land' to building land then the town hall will acquire the necessary terrain for such a bicycle lane. In fact, when this happens there will even be a bicycle lane to link that stretch of the N-340 to the El Playazo beach promenade.

The summer is always a problem time for public service, especially where holiday homes are concerned. There are 160,000 houses on the Costa del Sol that suddenly need drainage, water, electricity and rubbish collection, after having stood months on end dormant.

The Town Council has announced that it will be installing CCTV to control motor traffic at certain points of the town, namely, C/Castilla Pérez, C/Antonio Millón and C/El Chaparil. The object of such a move, says Sr. Rivas, who is Councillor for Citizen Safety, is to avoid dangerous driving, especially by moped riders. It will also be installed to control bad parking that causes obstructions to circulation. "We want to do away with abuses and dangerous driving in the town, especially the type caused by young moped riders. This way they will know that they are being watched. This (system) will help to reduce vandalism and other crimes," said Sr. Rivas. At the moment a CCTV vigilance of the night-spots is also being studied. Accordingly, the town hall has requested a grant of 60,000 euros to go towards the installation of these vigilance systems.

The Town Council is seeking permission from the regional authorities for the installation of a local digital TV station for Nerja, Frigiliana and Torrox. The aerial output would be 100w, which will give it a coverage of 176.01square kilometres. Working on the local population density of 184 inhabitants to the square kilometre gives a possible audience of 32,402.4 people. Wow! However, this will probably boil down to 324.0 viewers, if they throw out the same rubbish as Almuñécar TV.

A local police report points out that the mini-train stop at Castilla Pérez is causing traffic problems and forced the Town Council to shift it to Plaza Cavana. The train runs twice a day - one in the morning and one in the afternoon - timed to leave and arrived at Plaza Cavana outside the peak traffic times.

Frank Sinatra - You must be 'Jo King'! Whilst sat writing in a corner of the Beefeater Inn, I couldn't help noticing that the man walking across the room looked vaguely familiar. I hadn't met him before, but somehow I knew who he was. It bothered me that I couldn't recollect where or when I had seen him before. He had so much charisma, and the way he folded his arms, looking pensive, when he had finally finished loading huge boxes into a corner was beginning to intrigue me. I couldn't fathom whether it was his face, his voice, or his mannerisms that were uncannily familiar, until he disappeared behind the bar, then returned wearing a casually smart suit and hat. Ah, 'He is a Frank Sinatra look-alike' I mused. Though that phrase certainly doesn't do him justice. It was when he sang that it became spooky! He was so good. Jo King has been performing for many years as an actor and singer, but his obvious similarity in looks to the legendary Sinatra, has led him to specialise in just this act for the last 18 months. He travels far and wide entertaining people in this way, but admits that it's the small venues that he prefers rather than large throngs. It figures, as he came across as a shy person when himself. He lives way out in the Alpujarra, where he is desperate to return to, after being away. A lovely man, and a great act to see if you get the chance.

Nerja residents will pay an average of 190 euros in tax for their impuestos de bienes inmuebles (property tax, or rates), if you take into account the population figure is more than 19,000. A third of the present 17.978 dwellings belong to foreigners, the majority of whom are British. The town coffers, therefore are set to receive 3.5m euros for 2004. The property that has to pay most tax in the township is a hotel, which has to cough up 66,500 euros and the smallest contributor (only eight euros per annum), is a small plot of land. These above figures correspond to urban property taxes, however, rural taxes are another kettle of fish. 1,131 'fincas' (rural properties from farmhouse plus garden to sprawling farms) contribute a total of 42.8m euros to the municipal coffers. In other words, each rural property owners pays on average 38 euros per annum.

A glass-bottomed catamaran will be plying the coastline between Málaga and Maro-Cerro Gordo Natural Park. So, for those of you who would like to have a good look at the seabed but don't want to get wet, here's your answer. The catamaran has a length of 22 metres and is authorised to enter restricted marine reserve waters, as long as it doesn't piss the dolphins off, etc, etc. Quite apart from ferrying landlubbers, it will also have the task of scooping up any flotsam that it may encounter in marine park waters into special containers. The craft is also equipped to be able to deal with handicapped persons. Would you like to have more information? So, would I and I don't have any, either. Life sucks. However, we shall be keeping our ears to the ground.

Female intuition is not to be ignored, nor dismissed. Especially when dealing with 'Kelvin'. After a chance meeting with him, I found myself committed to attending a function in aid of the International Sports relief Campaign, with the promise of an exclusive interview with his friend George Best. (Yeah, Right!). I went anyway, (despite my suspicions that all was not as it appeared), as the event he spoke of was for charity. There was also to be a performance by Jo King as Frank Sinatra, which was definitely worth seeing. Besides, I was mildly curious to find out what Kelvin had contrived. Cystic Fibrosis was the night's benefactor, via local C.F. fund-raiser, Patrick Cronin, who has raised nearly £20,000 over the last ten years for this cause. It turned out that dear 'Kelvin' himself was George in drag, (I mean costume). Though having waited two hours after our meeting time for him, he was lucky to be imitating anyone who could walk afterwards!

Congratulations are deserved for Burriana Beach, which has received a Q-standard quality award. Burriana Beach is one of the only six beaches in the whole of Spain to have receive such a distinctions, although over 41 beaches had their names put forward for consideration.

Stop press news: on Friday 27th the Medio Legua Playa race will be held on Burriana Beach at 19.00. The prize will be the Grand Premio 'Ayo' and is organised by the Colectivo de Merinderos de Playa Burriana, Nerja. Ayo is a living legend in the town.

Yellow Fever. There's always a time isn't there? That moment when you just need to park for while to be able to dash into somewhere for something, and you really don't want to have to park on the other side of the planet and walk in the midday sun. You often are lucky and get away with striding a yellow line. Then you get complacent - you got away with it last time, so what the heck. Well, the 'heck' duly happened to the driver of this car when she left it on a yellow line opposite the Crazy Cow in Nerja last week. Bet she won't do it again, though. No amount of frantic bargaining with the recovery-truck driver or the policeman was going to get it back down from the truck before they had deposited it elsewhere on their agenda!

Burriana Breached
The last two years in particular have seen huge changes in the lifeblood of Burriana Beach. Music nights were sparse, and the actual beach was the main attraction. Now it seems, that apart from the brightly coloured sun seekers, the beach is simply a bonus accompanying the multitude of gastronomic and entertainment delights from along the street. I say 'brightly coloured sun seekers,' by the way, because their colour spectrum ranges from whiter shades of pale, through glistening gold and burnished bronzes to terracotta lobsters. Add the gifts and accessories, swimwear and water sport providers, and it seems all we are left with to mention are the estate agents. I wasn't going to mention estate agents in this issue of the gazette, as I wore the words out last month! Besides, it's a strange place for them to be really, but how nice for them! Paradise, Bitter & Twisted, Over the Rainbow, Burriana restaurant, All That Jazz and many more all have their special music/entertainment sessions on a regular basis. Oh, and speaking of All that Jazz, their opening night nearly ended in disaster when their planned surprise artist did just that, and cried off at the last minute. Fortunately, John (Café Del Mar) came to the rescue with an alternative artist, who saved the day, and in fact went down very well, I heard!

Look, this is the second time in two articles that John has come to someone's aid. And so, with this keyboard, I do him dub 'Sir John', and for the lack of a trusty steed, his 'till' shall be his charger from henceforth…sorted!

I also have a bit of bad news, which I will slot in here. It should be common knowledge that anyone carrying something that looks as though it could be of value, (especially handbags) should be very wary of bag snatchers. And not just in the guise of other pedestrians - 'muggers on mopeds' are rife all over the coast! If you are in the habit of carrying your passport in case you need to use your credit card - think about what you could lose in a bag snatch! These moped bandits grab your gear and then disappear at high speed before you can exhale! There even was the case of a recent laptop heist resulting in the victim suffering from a dislocated shoulder…ouch, double disaster. The only 'advantage' that you have being rolled by a moped born mugger is that at least you have the warning noise of an approaching moped. You have time to make eye contact and take the appropriate evasion action in case of a 'bi-ped bugger by a moped mugger' or simply a collision bruising!

Sadly, it's not only mobile robberies that are happening everywhere, including my beloved Burriana. Whilst chatting to a café bar owner, it became apparent that the small group of late teen/early twenty kids (?) was loitering, but without malicious intent - they simply had no money to spend! Bless their little cotton socks! The youngsters had been sunbathing on their terrace, completely unaware that burglars who were actively removing all the valuables and dosh from their apartment on the floor below!

They had had difficulty finding enough cash left in their possession to pay the 25-euro fee for an interpreter so that they could report the crime to the police. To add insult to has been rumoured that the police like to keep a high presence image by continually stopping un-helmeted moped riders, but have a nasty habit of making it so difficult to register other crimes of a more distressing nature in order to keep the crime figure down. In Almuñécar, Martin, the Ed and Georg, the Publisher, have offered to both the Guardia Civil and the local police an emergency translation service. That's to say, if a distraught foreigner turns up at the police station and needs somebody to translate, then one of the two will come to the police station to see if they can help. This is a voluntary service and is only in the case of emergencies... and as long as it is not at four in the morning! If there is somebody who is willing to do the same for Nerja, perhaps they could contact the Gazette and we will set it up with the police.

Back to the Good stuff. I just missed a really good 'do' at Beyond the Rainbow. They recently had the famous Valencian wine producers, Daniel Belda, hosting their wine tasting evening. Being a bit of a philistine myself, and leaning towards the lager/southern comfort end of the liquid laughing juices, I had only really thought of wine tasting in two variations. The sort you see on telly, when someone has the bad manners to spit it back into a bucket (How rude!), and the local village cheese and wine evenings held regularly at every village hall, for just about any reason! On these village hall occasions, the cheese comes from the farm down the road and the wine, from the big cartons like the ones that you see in Safeways - of the pinky-red or a greeny-yellowy coloured variety). Okay, now I have ensured that I don't get invited to anything connected with grapes, unless of course, they are the roundish-shaped, green, shiny ones, and that don't have pips, because I quite like them! The occasion I was telling you about - before all the wine buffs threw down the gazette in disgust - was unlike either of my experiences. It consisted of an eight-course gourmet meal, with each course accompanied by a different wine. These wines were carefully selected and then supplied by a local wine merchant, who specialises in Valencian wines - hence Daniel Belda (de Valencia)! He apparently drove down and back the same day for this event - a six hour drive each way. (Well, I hope that he spat it all back in the bucket!)

Flies don't like bags of water! Well, I was intrigued enough to print this one. Apparently, a good way to dissuade flies from coming in through your windows, is to half fill a polythene bag with water and hang it in the window. I am told that the pesky critters don't like to fly past these particular arrangements of PV/H2O! I don't know if it works for everyone, as I have only just heard, and haven't even tried it for myself yet. Let me know how it goes if you try it. I will, and let you know. Another handy tip to dissuade mosquitoes from dining out on your best skin is to add a few drops of citronella oil to your bath. So it's High Karate or Lynx if you want to get 'bitten' (think about it), or Citronella if you don't! Oh come on, I've smelt worse... I mean by this that I have 'detected' and not, 'emitted' worse smells - cheeky sods!