Needless to say, the national television network, Telecinco, got it all wrong. They claimed that the incensed Herradureños and their summer visitors had cut the N-340, whereas they had 'only' cut the beach road.

It doesn't matter which way you look at it, Benavides' campaign to straighten out the 'beach-squatting' abuses did not come at a good time. You could be forgiven for believing that the strategy of the Town Hall is to frighten tourists away. Almuñécar's Annum Horribilis certainly did not need this 'added extra' of tourist persecution to have many swearing never to return.

Can anybody tell us just what is going on in the Town Hall? Does anybody really give more than five minutes reflection over such Draconian measures?

It is difficult to keep things in perspective, when it has been blown up out of all proportions. To give you an idea on how hyped the situation has become, a report about Benavides and the Beach Umbrellas came out in the British press, namely, The Guardian.

Most people will agree that the idea behind the campaign is sound and called for, but the differences of opinion depend on whether you are an Almuñequero or a Granadino. Secondly, it was 'how' and 'when' the sweeps are carried out that raised serious discord. Juan Manuel de Haro, who is the local Ideal newspaper representative and who runs the town hall press office, can show you a photo of one of Almuñécar's beaches at eight in the morning. In it, you can plainly see a forest of unopened umbrellas, carefully planted out like prospecting markers, as far as the eye can see. This is not on but has been going on for years. This is what the ban aims to stamp out.

The beach belongs to everybody. Now, if the sweep had been carried out at ten in the morning, and not at lunch time, then nobody would find sympathy for the squatters. But as the Brolly Snatcher came round when some bathers had timidly abandoned their plot to grab a bite just a few yards away, it had everybody's backs up. The trouble is, you see, that in places like La Herradura, there are first-line blocks of flats that are almost exclusively owned by our visitors from Granada. And if there is one thing that really gets up an Almuñequero's nose, it is the way that these people swagger around town as if they owned the place... even if they do. They descend like a cloud of locusts, order one beer with five straws per hour and noisily demand tapas in proportions equal to generous raciones. Not all of them are like this, but enough of them are to generate a lasting and widely-recognised stereotype - El Sanitex.

Now, was it a good idea to put this plan into action, even if it has been many years in the pipeline? In our opinion, it wasn't. Although everybody was warned back in May that this ban would come into force this summer, it is a slap in the face for the few who have braved the traffic jams and the dearth of parking places to spend their hard-earned cash here. It should be noted that on many other beaches in Spain, if you leave your beach things unattended then they will be removed... but by thieves. It is testimony to the low crime rate in Almuñécar that people have felt until now that they could leave their umbrellas all day unattended and expect to find them there when they deign to turn up.

Summing up, if you are leaving the beach to go home to eat or to eat at a beach bar, pack it up and take it with you. Then join the queue, just like any other newcomer, to find a choice spot.

Something positive! Almuñécar has acquired three amphibious wheelchairs. These specially adapted wheelchairs have balloon-like wheels, which allow them to reach the water with good stability. The devices are really tricycle in form with a towing handle protruding from the front wheel. They also cost 6,000 euros for the three. The Town Council has made it known to the town's hotels that these wheelchairs can be requested for their guests.

Something negative! Bathers had the unpleasant experience of coming across the body of a drowned man. 51-year-old José A.G. was found floating just off Calabajío beach (next to the Playacálida Hotel, Taramay). He was not a local.

Almuñécar now counts on an emergency co-ordination centre, which will control the fire service, ambulance service and Protección Civil. The police vehicle fleet is being increased by two new cars and motorcycles and the fire service, thanks to an injection of 90,000 euros, will be receiving two more fire engines.

Lentejí, or Lentegí if you prefer as both are correct, celebrated its summer festival at the beginning of August (6th/7th/8th). Although the annual fiestas are held in December (24th), this summer one counts on a greater presence of Lentijeños because many who live away, in France or Barcelona, for example, visit their families during the summer holidays.

What would we ever find to put in this magazine, if it weren't for our politicians whinging about each other? The leader of the local PP and ex-mayor, Juan Luis González, has denounced the invasion of pedestrian areas by parked mopeds. In a written complaint the PP points out that this puts pedestrians at risk. Juan, you didn't do a lot about it, when you were at the helm, did you, my old fruitcake? He accuses the Mayor, Juan Carlos - who couldn't give a flying turnip's fart about what anybody has to say about him - and his 'incompetent' Councillor for Citizen Safety and Transport, Daniel Barbero, of doing nothing to counter it. Personally, it is not the mopeds in their inert form that worries most people - it's when they're moving that scares the sh*t (Brain Teaser of the Month Competition: can you guess that missing letter? Send your replies to...) out of everybody!

The town's sewage treatment system has been causing a stink, in more ways than one, in Velilla. The pump house that is situated next to the road that joins the Velilla beach road with the N-340 is getting up everybody's nose... literally. The sewage for the whole area goes through here but doesn't get very far there onwards - not with the sewage treatment plant in the Baranco de Ítrabo still not working. Residents of the block right next to it have two bones to pick with the town hall: the courts have decreed that the land belonging to the block complex that was expropriated so that the pump house could be built on it, was done illegally. Secondly, the thing stinks to high heaven. One neighbour, who lives on the sixth floor claims that in the evening the stench is unbearable and invites those that care to listen to her, to imagine how those on the first floor must feel. As far as bathers go, the now omnipresent complaint against the removal of beach umbrellas gets sucked into the affair: "Why are they wasting so much time and effort on stealing our beach umbrellas when they should be sorting this shameful situation out?" A spokesman for the sewage plant says that the problem arrives when the manhole cover is removed so that a bowser can pump out some meaty morsels into the tank. He says that they are looking into another way of transferring such 'matter' without the lifting of a manhole cover. My personal sympathy is limited, however. The whole of Velilla is an aberration, which was stuck up without the slightest consideration for parking and infrastructure in general. Businesses struggle there to pay taxes, as do residents, to a municipal authority that has the vision of a mole with conjunctivitis and the organisational capacity of a penguin with a lobotomy. Amen.

Juan Carlos Benavides, our mayor, courtesy of the inhabitants of both the poorest sectors and the richest (foreign community), described the court sentence concerning Marina del Este as 'A Summer Soap Opera.' Good move, Juan - will visit you in prison. "There does not exist the most minimum of judicial content in the events, published in the media," he said. He claimed that he has not received any official notification through the town hall and that he has only received information via the press, radio and television. He pointed out that he and his party have scrupulously abided by the law to the letter, in the good interest of the municipality, which he claims, will become apparent, when Justice runs its course. Taking advantage of the moment (offered by the amazed silence, no doubt), he went on to say that 'certain elements exist who try to portray an Almuñécar and La Herradura at the mercy of speculators, who operate outside the law. "I believe that Almuñécar can compete alongside any Andalusian town, as far as urban expansion control goes and he who says otherwise is insulting the truth...," he concluded. Juan, you are in a class of your own.

Good news on the Paseo de Altillo front! The whole affair will be merely academic in ten years time because according to a report, the sea will have encroached all along the front line of the coast within a decade! This investigation was carried out by the University of Granada and suggests doing something about it pretty soon, otherwise, in the case of the Paseo underground car park, you will need a snorkel and flippers to get your car out in the morning.

Did you feel the earthquake? Right in the middle of the Summer Festival (11th) many people awoke at 03.18 to the unsettling sensation of their house or flat trembling. It was only 3.5 on the Richter Scale but was enough to be felt. Hey, but don't worry because each year we get through about 20, most of which are too slight to be noticed. You shouldn't be surprised that we are prone to earth tremors because there is a bloody great lump of rock called the Sierra Nevada, which is testimony to tectonic boisterousness. The last big earthquake was in 1804 - exactly 200 years ago, which despite its intensity, only killed two people in rubble strewn Motril. Now, every 13th January, the good folk celebrate being spared by a miracle on the Day of the Earthquake.

The Ecologist association, Buxus, is calling for official protection for archaeological remains that have been found in the Altillo car park excavations. They fear that the construction company will try to cover up the discovery to avoid having work on the site halted. Accordingly, Buxus has asked the Town Council and the Provincial Delegate for the Council for Culture to intervene. Buxus say that the pottery uncovered corresponds to, amongst other things, Tardo-Roman amphorae dating from the IV century BC. Well, personally, I think that this is really interesting but unless they find a prehistoric knocking-shop or Roman Mercadona, complete with bronze shopping trolleys down there, then they should get on and build the sodding car park!

Twenty-six year old A.M.R was arrested after having 'allegedly' stolen a foreigner's handbag - it wasn't pointed out whether it belonged to a man or woman. Actually the first person they stopped and interrogated wasn't the thief - he was just a known delinquent. Asked whether the bag belonged to him and where the contents came from he answered negatively to both. He later admitted that a friend (ex) had given him the bag and contents to sell for him. He did also just happen to mention where A.M.R. lived.

A local who lives up near the castle has been nabbed for putting a window into the old fortifications walls, which his house backs onto. Not only has he been fined and ordered to put things back as they were, but the Town Council is considering slapping a compulsory purchase order on his house because it 'is a part of historic heritage construction! Well, Mr Windolene will soon have no trouble receiving sufficient light into his life because he will be living out on the street.

Almuñécar's social services provide home help for 60 people around town, thanks to the home help association Adhara. This help association operates all along the Costa Granadina. The Almuñécar office is run by Javier. More info: 958 633 750, email: adhara.sca@terra.es

Beware! The tax department has already commenced the campaign to charge 38,541 IBI bills (Impuesto de Bienes Inmuebles or urban rates tax). That is 500 more bills issued than last year, which is testimony to the building going on. The period of 'voluntary' payment ends at the end of December, after that, there's a surcharge.

The municipal riding school is open to tenders, after a very controversial termination to the contract of the previous tenant. This riding school in Taramay is situated right next to Hotel Taramay on the main road. To gain access you have to drive down into the dry riverbed above the main road. You do this either by taking the slip road next to the telephone cabin, if you're coming from Motril, or turning off right and driving under the main road bridge, if you're coming from Almuñécar. Some of the conditions of the contract are: feeding and caring for the horses; 24 hour surveillance of the premises; ten hours free riding lesson a week and to provide five horses for excursions. You will also have to provide adequate space for buggies/carriages and allow them to come and go as they please. On the 'positive' side, you can open a shop and canteen. More info: Town Hall.

Whilst on the subject of the riding school, the socialist opposition party has accused Benavides of persecuting local businesses, mainly certain diving schools and the ex-lease holder of the riding school. Rocío Palacios says that Benavides uses 'manoeuvres' to get rid of business people who are not willing to work under the his 'strict orders.' "Sr. Benavides is persecuting every diving school and closing them down under any pretext," she said. She said with irony that the only school that hasn't been subject to this persecution is the one that signed the Council's programme. She also said that while she agrees that all businesses should be 100% legal, she does not agree with the Council's waiting until the beginning of the peak season to shut them down. In response, the Councillor for Tourism, Emilio González Pavesio, has rejected such accusations, saying, "there does not exist any 'persecution,' whatsoever." He went on to emphasis that, "the socialist's comments were reckless because if there are high-risk activities in Almuñécar, which could have fatal consequences, they are those carried out at the diving schools, which is why we demand the highest standards." Finally he concluded that when the present council took over from the socialists the situation was chaotic and that order and sense had to be established. It is apparent that even if the Mayor has an ulterior motive in shutting certain business, he possesses the moral high ground.

Referring to the fire that allegedly broke out at the municipal rubbish dump last month, the Mayor claims that the fire did it fact begin 'outside' the said dump. This was in response to the statement issued by the Ministry of Environment placing the point of ignition firmly within the dump. "We would not like to think that the PSOE (a local opposition party and the party that controls the regional & national governments) is politicising the affair through the Ministry of Environment," said Juan Carlos Benavides with a certain amount of sarcasm. The dump should have been closed years ago and was on the point of being permanently closed down before the change of the governing party in July 2003. Therefore, if it is proved that the fire started in the dump then the political consequences for the present council are very inconvenient, to say the least.

Despite opposition from the residents of Las Gondolas, the new access road between the P-4 and the beach road was opened. Residents of Las Gondolas were against this because it means that traffic will now pass through what was a private complex with its own access and exit points.

As if they were the panacea for our ills, the Town Council has proudly proclaimed that four more 4-star-hotels will begin construction before the year is out. These are the following: Hotel Best El Alcalá, Playa de Cotobro, Puerta de Mar and Juan Carlos I. According to the councillor, Sr. González Pavesio, all of these projects conform to the existing PGOU (Urban Development Plan). He also announced that they have managed to convince the provincial authorities not to reject the modifications to the Hotel El Fuerte in La Herradura. The PP opposition party reacted indignantly because, they claim, the four new hotels are the fruit of their effort. They say that during their stay in office (ended July 2003) they granted the licences for Playacálida (16/10/02), Almijara (28/01/03), San Carlos (24/07/01) and Picadilly (24/09/02). However, on an editorial note, I can't help wondering that if it should be found that there have been irregularities with any of the eight mentioned hotels, the PP and PA won't suddenly develop amnesia, concerning who should get the credit.

The Caja Rural savings bank and the regional government have jointly financed a new 4X4 ambulance for Almuñécar. The vehicle was presented to the public and media in front of the town hall by the Councillor for Citizen Safety and Transport.The councillor thanked the Caja Rural Granada Trust and a representative from the Junta de Andalucía for providing the 33,000 euros needed. The head of the Almuñécar's Protección Civil unit, Cecilio Fajardo, pointed out that the ambulances 4X4 capacity would give it access to the remote spots with difficult access that abound in the area.

The municipal council has asked permission to install posts and chains all the way along the Cotobro pavement. At the moment the centre part, which stands over two metres above the beach, is void of any handrail or safety device to protect pedestrians from a fall.

In an effort to show that the council has a firm grip on building excesses, it has announced that in the first year of being in office, it has issued 360 building infringement reports, which amounts to just under one for each day of being in office. They claim that they have paralysed 91 building projects and have taken to court two cases of the unlawful breaking of the seal on such building sites. It would be interesting to find out what percentage of these actions had been carried out in the months leading up to the statement and what percentage was carried out on large, important developments. I walk past a small town house everyday, where interior building reforms have been going on. The closure notice suddenly appeared on the door this month, but has been totally ignored. This leads me to suspect that this move has been done to provide cosmetic statistics, with which to embellish the report.

It has been announced that finally, after ten years of terrible television reception in Taramay, the problem has been sorted out. It has always been a sore subject. I, (Ed.) lived in Taramay for four years at the end of the 90's and can confirm that it was excruciating. Antonio at the bar with the flags (Fruta & Sol) explained to me back then that the locals had forked out money from their own pockets to have a booster installed - the town hall, which was then under Benavides back then, too, would put up the rest. The booster was installed but the town hall didn't pay their part to the company that had installed it. The result was that this private company decided to confiscate the equipment until the bill was met - which it never was. The locals never saw their money again. Since then the town hall has insisted that it is the obligation of the State to proved television coverage for all towns over a certain population - only God-forsaken hamlets in the Iberian wilds were excluded. Let's see, then, if it's true and you can actually receive something on the areas chronically-depressed television sets.

Castillo San Miguel, in case you didn't know it, is the name of Almuñécar's castle. Saint Michael's Castle, if you prefer, goes back to the Phoenicians. Later the Romans squatted there before the Empire was overrun by 4th century football hooligans from the north. The Moors decided to do a spot of renovation and knock up a pretty reasonably knocking shop for the cushions and hashish brigade. For eight hundred years, it was a five-star summer attraction for our then Muslim masters, who were pretty laid back and was used by the odd caliph for sneaky weekends away from the Missus - all five hundred of them. Now, in the dawn of the 21st century, Mickey's Pad is being restored but without the female added extras... sigh! When it is all finished then the castle, which was the municipal cemetery until pretty recently (1980's), will house conference halls, exposition halls, ladies toilets and a pigeon-droppings firing range.

Oh dear, the ecologists have crept into the section again! This time they are having a go at the Public Works Dept in Granada, for being less than enthusiastic about coming down like a load of bricks on the illegal loads of bricks that are going up around here. "They don't want to find the illegal constructions," the ecologists claim. Not bumping into such vertical 'vergünenza' is an exercise of mind over matter: they don't mind; we don't matter. One hundred and thirty four days ago the ecologist organisation denounced the appearance of an illegal construction right in the middle of the protected Vega. We reproduced their complaint along with a photograph of the said urban aberration. Not a sausage has been heard from the dark depths of Granada - not a flying wombat's left testicle! Well, that is a lie because they did hear from the inspectors who claimed that they were unable to locate the offensive spot. Well, it's pretty hard to see it from a tapas bar on the beach front, admittedly, but at least they did come down to the coast... bless them!

For better or for worse Otívar, which was for so long the coast's forgotten village, has been discovered by the British and foreign hordes. With barely a thousand inhabitants, it nestles above the river and enjoys an inland climate, despite being only 14kms in from the coast. When I used to live there at the beginning of the 90's the only foreigners seen were those that flocked to the restaurant that did the roast chickens with the anal apples. They came, they ate, they left... and village life continued unchanged. Then suddenly, about two years ago, a foreigner turned up and bought an old town house that nobody wanted - the young wanted the modern houses up on the Campiñuela and the old folk were dying off. In the two short years a house that you could buy for 9,000 euros rocketed up to 102,000 - incredible but true. Otívar has come to terms with this new image, although folk, like my mother-in-law (the girlfriend is Spanish and from Otívar), has suddenly been surrounded by Finnish, Irish and British neighbours. In the old days, the kids would rush up to my house and say, "Martin! Martin! There are Guiris in the village," and as I spoke Foreignese, I was expected to understand them. Now a foreigner wouldn't lift an eyebrow. Now, once a year, Otivar organises a summer festival and people - Earthlings and otherwise - cram into the village. I just hope that it doesn't turn into a museum, where foreign visitors come up to see a typical Spanish village - a kind of Spanish film set with British actors.

Traffic Light Torture is this summer's most popular past time - you need only observe the drivers who are queue up to play! It's a bloody nightmare! As a spokesman for the Costa Granadina tourist sector said, "what's the point of spending millions on promotion if tourists don't dare to come here because of the traffic jams along the coast." The culprit, he claims, are the automatic traffic lights along the Almuñécar stretch of the N-340. He reasons that they should be manually operated because there are far more people wanting to drive through Almuñécar than drive in and out of it. But it surely it is a case of the damned lights not being synchronised? Just as soon as you escape the captivating capacity of one set of lights, you run straight into another batch. Result: a traffic jam stretching from Cotobro tunnel to the Almuñécar border with Salobreña. But it is not only a case of people losing their patience - they're losing their lives, too. Locals of Taramay are demanding yet another batch of lights because 67-year-old Juan M.M. was knocked down and seriously injured trying to cross the road there. You can walk under the N-340 at two points, as it bisects Taramay: at the bridge next to Hotel Taramay at the eastern end and at the tunnel just up from the tobacconist at the western extremity. What, for the love of God, do they need cursed traffic lights for! Why wasn't an underpass built for the P-4, using the Rio Verde Bridge? There's clear visibility there to pull out in the Motril direction and it wouldn't have been expensive to put a lane for westbound traffic under the bridge and up a slip road where they've dumped the secondary football ground. It takes, on average, half an hour to get through Almuñécar - a distance of just over six kilometres. Compare this with how far you can travel in 30 minutes on the motorway, once you get to Nerja. This motorway won't begin to alleviate pressure here until February 2006 and there is another summer between then and now.

Crane Crime
The ecologist group, Ecologistas en Acción, is demanding that the Town Council should abide by the law and permit access to the Roman aqueduct in Río Seco. According to provincial authorities, a building company working nearby has caused numerous defects to this historic monument. The building promoters, El Cercado de la Santa Cruz, has allegedly not respected the conditions laid down by the provincial board for culture, which stipulated that there should be a six metre border on either side of the aqueduct. In fact, the Provincial Historic Heritage Commission has no record of the building project, which could mean that said works are illegal. Furthermore, the construction company has put the monument into peril as they have mounted a large construction crane next to the monument, allegedly destroying part of the monuments foundations. The aqueduct, which was declared of 'Cultural Heritage' in 1931, has no public access at the moment because of the building work. This is against the law. The provincial authorities are contemplating an order to cease work on the site until the situation is rectified. The Almuñécar town hall, at present, denies knowledge of what is happening.

STOP PRESS: The owner of the building company was arrested on August 28th - more details next month!

Fiesta fizzles out!
The much-awaited firework display on the 15th was pretty much in tune with the prevailing mood in town - it was a flop... and I say this with gloom; not with glee. Apparently the programme failed around midpoint, when the cascade from the Peñon del Santo (the Cross Rock) to the outer rock failed to ignite. That is where the pyro-feast fizzled out. Those who were watching it from a distance stood, mouth agape, waiting for the grand finale... coitus interruptus! On top of that, the Town Council had decided not to include classical music accompaniment because, they say, it would have created a crowd next to our sacred pit - formerly the Paseo del Altillo. The Councillor for Fiestas, Inmaculada Callejas, said that they would be demanding explanations from the private company that mounted the display. "The fireworks started off very well and everything was going according to plan, until the firework cascade failed on El Santo. For this reason we are going to ask for the apropriate explanations from the company, because it (the cascade) was a fixed (and traditional) part of the display. We are aware that such large firework displays (set up) at different points might fail, but this part was almost half way through (the display) and we don't know why," she explained. As for the 'safety precautions' given as the reason for not having any music this year, in the end, the spectators went down to the beach and pushed the fence over and flooded into the building site, anyway. On a positive note, nobody was injured by the reluctant fireworks...

Windsurfing on the Andalusian coast goes back to 1979 in La Herradura, which is when Windsurf set up shop there. Luis, who is originally from Holland, and María del Mar chose La Herradura for its magnificent bay - the perfect place to practice their life-long hobby. Luis says that windsurfing as a commercial venture existed here, whilst in Tarifa it was still only an amateur sporting event. They remark on how the windsurfing material has changed over the years. Gone are the huge heavy boards, displaced by lightweight broader boards and bigger sails. Luis has had some pretty illustrious students as well, because the late King Bedouin of Belgium and the nephews of Fabiola learnt the art from him. Luis used to go to their residence to give the classes and as Luis can speak Flemish, they got on very well. Nowadays you can buy a windsurfing kit from 800 euros upwards; otherwise you can simply hire it until you're more experienced.

A reminder of the perilous traffic of immigrants to our coasts is the appearances of drowned bodies. The second body in the same week along the Costa Granadina was discovered this time by bathers on Cantarriján beach. The body was of a man of between 30 and 35 and of North African complexion. This happened on the 13th - three days before fishermen from Motril snagged another corpse in their net. When the Cantarriján body was first seen 10mts. from the beach, one bather attempted to 'rescue' it, believing that somebody was on the point of drowning. Not a pleasant surprise... and far more unpleasant for the drowned Moroccan, of course. Just in one day Motril received over 100 immigrants that had been picked up on the high seas. The facilities and staff are completely overwhelmed by the influx.

All summer visitors to the village have been able to ogle the handiwork of our two German alleged arsonists, who reportedly burn down the pier hut. The Ed asked Daniel Barbero, who is Councillor for Citizen Safety and Transport how long it was going to stay like that. He said at this time, that it was in the hands of Costas, (the maritime authority that has jurisdiction over a 50m corridor along the shoreline, as well as the coastal waters). Accordingly, the Town Council has issued a statement saying that they have approached Costas to find out whether they are going to repair the damage or, at least, remove the burnout shell. The damages have been valued at 12,000 euros. Furthermore, because of the risk of an accident, the whole pier has been cordoned off for the last three months, denying residents and visitors the views that can be had from there.

The quick reactions of bathers managed to save the life of an injured baby dolphin that appeared in the area known as the 'Pantano.' The creature, which was scarcely a metre long, had wounds on its side and mouth. People on the beach wrapped the dolphin in wet towels, whilst they waited for the arrival of the team from CREMA (Recuperation Centre for Endangered Marina Species) to arrive. The lifeguards on duty were the ones that contacted this Málaga based unit and who carried out the 'first-aid' instructions given by them. The dolphin was transferred to Málaga, where it is said to be on the road to recovery.

It is estimated that around 4,000 people saw the five-day, VI Puppet Festival, which finished on the 9th of last month. Quite apart from the shows, the Granada-based company, Farsante Teatro, held a puppet workshop over the weekend, where children had the chance to make and operate some of the traditional kind, i.e., the suspended and glove types.

Various residents in the blocks along the beach road made a written request to the town hall for some sort of control over young moped riders, who seemingly put their own lives and those of pedestrians at risk with impunity. They called for a special night patrol to crack down on the constant early morning traffic that, according to many residents, makes it impossible to sleep.

Joaquín Barbero, the industrious owner of Chambao de Joaquín on La Herradura beach, has managed to send 138,000 euros worth of all kinds of useful material to the Cuban town of Baracoa over the last six years. Joaquín - who is allergic to photos - has even managed to transport and deliver a bus, loaded with goods, to this Caribbean location. It all started back in 1998 when Baracoa was twinned to Almuñécar. The local authorities there asked the Almuñequeros to help finance a scanner for the local hospital. Since then, Joaquín and other members of this aid organisation haven't stopped campaigning, collecting, storing, transporting and delivering the produce of local generosity.

On the 12th August the village suffered a breakdown in the telephone coverage and none of the big mobile telephone companies has offered an explanation to date. The odd restaurant owner complained about a potential loss of clientele or that his grandmother had been abducted by pulsating aliens on a package tour holiday around the universe (all incl.), but apart from that, there were no written complaints.

By now, work should have concluded on the new sports track up in the Barrio del Espinar. "The new sports installation is intended to respond to a demand made to us by the locals of the Espinar area and which took form in the contract that we signed," said the Mayor. God! There must be an easier way to say that. Politicians, like the military, have such a roundabout way of saying things, but for different reasons. The (US) military say, 'That's affirmative' instead of 'yes,' for example, to eliminate possible misunderstandings. Keen staff officer: "Shall I press this nice red button and vaporise most of South East Asia, Sir?" Distracted Mega-General: "Ahuh." Staff officer: Whoopee...! There she goes..." Mega-General: "Jesus F**king Christ Almighty, Capt. Nippleheimer, I was just clearing my Goddamned throat!" Politicians, on the other hand, do it precisely so that they can't be clearly understood. Pressman: "Do you then, Minister, deny that the missing funds were transferred under your personal signature?" Minister of Shady Dealings: "It is quite clear and abundantly evident that nobody can ever be unsure as to the almost miscellaneous-like dealings that a person in a position of high responsibility can be called upon - within reason - to mutually participate in, especially in said task-sharing daily decisions, even though - such is the nature of his, or her post - he... or she, should provide his or her personal rubric, as the necessary mark of attestation." Pressman: "Fine! I'll just put, 'no comment,' thanks.

The building promoters and the Town Council have reached an agreement over the tarmacking of the access road to Marina del Este. The fruit of this agreement can be seen outside the old bowling alley (Alcazár). This area was in such a lamentable state thanks to the constant passage of heavily loaded lorries on their way to the Marina developments and the channelling of water mains. The whole of the junction has been treated to a 10cm-thick coat of tarmac.

A judge at the Motril courts has sentenced a man from La Herradura to three years, three months in jail, as well as a 5m euros fine, after being caught transporting drugs in his yacht. The Guardia Civil Coast Guards intercepted J.A.M.M's boat 800m out from La Herradura Bay. They quickly found the 38 bundles of hashish resin. Despite the man's initials, he doesn't seem to have very lucky.

The building company, Anfrasa, has just received the juicy sum of 519,000 euros to carry out the first phase of the La Herradura Civic Centre. The concrete structure was finished some time ago, so what the company will actually do is to put the walls in, etc. The civic centre has a total budget of 3m euros.

Each year there is a campaign to increase public awareness of the threat to our fish stocks, posed by the consumption of inmaduros (undersize/age fish). This year during a ten-day campaign, which ended in La Herradura, they managed to collect between 2,500 and 3,000 signatures. The campaign mainly targets children with games etc, because the future of the dwindling fish stock, thanks to over fishing and the illegal fishing of undersized fish, lies with the conscience of the future adult population. In the early eighties one of the main delicacies on any restaurant or chiringuito menu were chanquetes. If you ordered them, what you received was a plate of what looked like tiny chips, but were in reality the very young of anchovies etc. They were delicious... unfortunately. Amazingly, you can still discreetly order a racioncillo de chanquetes in some establishments, although it has been banned for well over a decade. Not only that, but you come across the odd furtive fishmonger on street corners, hawking menuido, which is just another name for immature fish. The campaign hammers it home that a kilo of chanquetes is equivalent to God knows how many tons of fish in five years time. The campaign started in La Mamola and passed through Castell de Ferro, Calahonda, Torrenueva, Motril, Salobreña, Almuñécar and finished, as said, in the village.

The Ecologists have been at it again and this time the target was 'Nuddy Land' or in other words Playa Cantarrijan. They want the car park dismantled and the restrictions that are in force over the rest of the Parque Natural de Maro-Cerro Gordo to be imposed there, too. They argue that it is unacceptable that the part that belongs to Málaga should obey the regulations to the letter and prohibit motor vehicles access to the beaches, whereas the Granada sides is not only dragging it heels, but has allowed a car park to be build on Cantarrijan. The car park, they say, is covering a lot of protected plants with dust and toxic emissions. On the other hand, the Town Council and Cantarrijan S.L. signed an agreement last year for the building and maintenance of the car park on land that belongs to the company. This was endorsed by the Department of Environment, because it 'eliminated indiscriminate parking' and brought order to chaos.

Meanwhile, back at Marina del Este, the Mayor, Juan Carlos Benavides, claimed that the licences for the controversial Urbanización Adnanias, were the work of the previous administration, (The PP/PSOE/PIHL coalition). Therefore, the present town council claims no responsibility in the case that the regional Supreme Court (TSJA) has condemned. However, the judge in question found that the Mayor, the Council Architect and the building company were all responsible and annulled the said building licence. According to the report drawn up by the Municipal Council Secretary, the first licence was issued on 7th February 2000, which corresponds to the town council headed by the then mayor Antonio Rebollo (PSOE) and corresponded to Edificios Ilias (10 flats), Joya (14 flats), Alba (6 flats) and Hala (10 flats). The second building licence concession was issued for Malak (20) & Aya (3) on the 20th March 2002 under the then mayor Juan Luis González (PP). Finally the third building licence was granted on the 6th May 2003 for Edificios Aida & Oria, again under Sr. González. A reply from the PP to this statement didn't take long to materialise. Sr. González accuses the present mayor of 'cynicism and bare-face cheek,' for directing the blame elsewhere. Sr. González pointed out that the original plan for the Adnania Project was passed on the 3rd November 1998, when Juan Carlos Benavides was mayor. "The building licences granted by the PP/PSOE coalition council were carried out according to legal regulations and with favourable technical reports," said Sr. González. He added, "The building permissions granted by the coalition and conformed with the PGOU, (Urban Development Plan), was composed and laid down by Sr. Benavides town council in 1987." If the situation could be summarised in a brief editorial sentence, it would be thus: Mr Kettle and Mr Pan are both soot covered - a fact that seems to have been lost somewhere amongst the heated accusations over the degrees of sootiness attributed to each party.

It's not very often that you find two bars within shouting distance with the same name. In this case the name is El Limite and the two bars in question stand on either side of the border between Granada and Málaga. The Ed popped into El Limite (Granada) on the way back from taking some photos of the Maro beaches. He chatted with the son of the owner, Antonio Martín, about the history of the bar. Whilst chatting he noticed a couple of very good, ageing photos of La Punta de la Mona and an aerial view of San Cristóbal beach with Almuñécar in the back ground. The Punta photos (there were four in one frame) date from approximately the late 40's/early 50's. The Almuñécar shot, on the other hand is much later - around the mid 70's. It's amazing how much the Punta peninsula has changed. You can clearly see how it looked before they built the Marina del Este. As for the Almuñécar one, you can see the then newly built Paseo del Altillo, which places the photo after the mid 60's and with no Velilla road, which places the photo before the mid 70's. Anyway, the Ed got permission to take the photos outside in the sunlight and to photograph them. Antonio says that they get on well with the El Limite (Málaga) lot, just across the bridge. Antonio's bar has changed little, I would think, since it was opened around 1981 - part of that rapidly disappearing atmosphere that old timers miss so much. At the moment, they are doing a roaring trade with the motorway construction workers, who are busy with the new bridge and tunnel.

Bernie Barr and Jan Meyel, directors of the Serenaders will return to Nerja in October to begin rehearsals for concerts, which will end their tenth anniversary year. Entitled, 'A Cavalcade of Songs,' the program will feature selections from each of the previous years and will be held on 10th December 2004 at the Cantro Cultural Villa de Nerja, 45 Calle Granada, Nerja. Other dates to be announced. The first rehearsal will be on 18 October at 11:00 AM at the Casa. Anyone interested in joining the group may call the directors at 952 525 643.

The Foreigners' Department urges that before you buy a property or give any type of deposit, you should visit them, so that they can give you the necessary advice. They will inform you of the steps to take before buying a property, in order to avoid unpleasant experiences and problems that may arise, if you buy a property without making the corresponding verifications. Many people go to see them just after having bought the property, which is too late... go before! In the book 'Living in Nerja",' published by the Town Hall, you will find the all the correct information needed to be able to buy your Spanish home here with all the guarantees.

The British sculptor, Robert Harding, who was born in 1954 in Southport, Lancashire, has won the town hall competition for a monument on the new roundabout next to the old bridge over the Río Chillar. He designed a stainless steel arched structure that rests on two, black marble bases. The whole things rests on an oval platform, which has fine-spray jets incorporated. Sorry, Robert, that is all we can glean from the press release. Send us an artist's impression, and we will publish it.

Some people find it easier to obtain loans than other people do - a mayor is one of them. The Town Council has said that it would like to take out a loan for 2.145,877.07 euros, as funds for the building of a car park in El Chaparil. Everybody thought it a simply spiffing idea, (especially the banks), accept for the United Left Party, who mumbled something about "lined up against the wall... come the revolution." The car park will be subterranean and will be situated underneath Alcalde Antonio Villasclaras Square. It will have a floor surface area of 2,300sqms over two levels, giving parking spaces for 275 cars. The access point will be from Parque Verano Azul, via a tunnel under Avenida Antonio Ferrandis 'Chanquette.'

A 24-year-old Moroccan man was arrested for throwing stones down onto people lying on the Calahonda Beach - and they weren't all just pebbles! One Frenchman had to have stitches in his head. Not content with a spot of long-range artillery, he indulged in a bit of hand-to-hand combat with the lifeguards that were on duty on this beach.

Plenty of gloom & despondency around mid August, when a water mains burst that carries water from the Bolicheros water table to the municipal water reservoir. The whole of the town centre was affected by the cut. It was calculated that it hit 15,000 thirsty, hot & bothered residents. Some supermarkets and shops rapidly ran out of bottled water. The 24-hour cut started at 16.30 and, according to the Councillor for Water Service, José Alberto Tomé Rivas, they managed to reconnect the supply at 01.30 the next morning. However, that doesn't mean that water was available at that time because the municipal reservoirs still had to be refilled, first.

Everybody trooped into the Mayor's office to receive the official news about the awarding of the 'Q' status for Burriana Beach. With the Mayor were the Chairman of the Instituto del la Calidad Turistica, Eduardo Palomino Valenca, the Councillor for Beaches, José Miguel García and the head of Agencia del Empleo y Desarrollo, Miguel Méndez. There is a big difference between the 'Q' or 'Quality' award and the 'Blue Flag' award. The Blue Flag Award judges a beach only for the quality of its water, whereas the 'Q Award' takes into account many other things, such as the shower facilities, parking and rubbish collection. This is why most seaside towns have at least one Bandera Azul, whereas Nerja is one of the very few towns that has won the 'Q' distinction. The Ed and Nikki Cox were both in the town hall at the time but Nikki had gone into the monthly Foreign Residents' Meeting, given by Emma Hall and Jacqueline Gómez - the Ed had been left with Nikki's shopping trolley. He had no other option but to park it in the corner of the Mayor's office - with his consent, of course - and to go through to the Mayor's conference office next door. When he came back again, he picked up the trolley and thanked the Mayor for 'looking after it' and promised to publish the fact that in Nerja there was no parking problem... in the Mayor's office, at least.

It's a bit sad, talking to a lot of the traders here in Nerja. The town has a bit of an impending doom feeling, as the season didn't really ever get off the ground this year for so many businesses. Time and time again, I am hearing, that "people just aren't spending"! Many of the old timers have witnessed a lot of traders come and go, whilst they themselves have been riding out serious droughts, storms and all manner of pestilent creations sent to try them. (Don't mention the war!) But they are prophesizing that this winter will see many traders bite the dust in the economic crisis that this age brings. I fear Málaga's new, much-enlarged airport will come too late to save many of our coastal towns from financial ruin. Sadly, the initial reaction has been 'less trade = higher prices to cover the shortfall...' Wrong! All this is doing, is sending the custom to cheaper resorts. Belts have to be drawn in, and like the UK farmers when the subsidies began to wane, alternative second and third incomes must be made using the facilities you are already paying for. For example, a restaurant can use wall space to display local artists work on a commission basis - what better than a captive audience? Estate agents could offer to host a virtual office service to those small businesses that don't have the staff or facilities. It's not that I deeply sympathise with the UK farmers for their losses of government funding. I actually think that they were a bit like the proverbial spoilt child, who had become accustomed to too much assistance. They weren't really in the real world of trade with 'agricultural' rates, and almost insignificant subsidised vehicle tax. At the same time, it is they that commit the most torture to the roads with their overloaded trailers and heavy machinery (not even complying with light and signal laws, never mind disregarding the use of number plates). All of this and more to an industry that for the most part, had been accustomed to Jaguars, Volvos and the such like on a regular basis to set against tax! No, no sympathy there. But, I feel that, unlike the farmers back in Blighty, the traders here, who have uprooted and sold their souls to finance a new life and trade in a strange land, should not give in and have all their eggs stolen from their one basket. Broaden your horizons, and don't give up. Hope to see you all still here next Spring. Even better - hope you are all advertising with us! Actually, maybe we can help as part of our support for the local community. Now the high season has gone, and the ex-pats will be home again, it is the time to advertise. The first six Nerja businesses to call me to book an ad for the next issue - October - deadline being the 15th September for new businesses - will get three adverts for the price of four - no only joking! We will be running our 6 month discount for a 3 month booking! But thankfully, you can pay by the month. Call me asap on 650 805 922, or ring the advertising number in the front of the Seaside Gazette or e- mail, attention: Nikki.

The Foreigners Department is at the first floor of the Town Hall (in September it will move to the ground floor) and will attend all foreigners who have any queries or need general information on any items regarding living or having a property in Nerja, residence card, NIE number, taxes… Opening hours: Mondays 10:00 - 14:00; Thursdays 10:00 - 14:00 Tel. 952 548 401 (the rest of the days of the week).

The Foreigners Department will give a conference in English regarding Nerja Town Hall Taxes on Friday 3rd September at the Conference Hall 'Salón de Actos' of the Town Hall, second floor. The different taxes of the Town Hall are: IBI-Urbana, plusvalia, water, road tax, building licences, business taxes and cemetery. We invite all foreigners to attend. There are many foreign business holders in Nerja who are not registered at the Town Hall on the Population Census. Please come and register, as this will benefit the town that could provide more services to all.

Just opened at San Juan Capistrano is Adrian's bar, newly converted from a supermarket. Well renowned for his taste in food and drink, after 24 years on the Costa, Adrian is offering spit-roast chickens, kebabs and steaks, etc. Curry nights most Wednesdays. He has invested good money in an excellent sound system and air-conditioning. The terrace overlooks Nerja's sea and mountain views.

Burriana Breached
Not quite detective fodder! Have you ever done something so dumb, that whenever you think about it (even years later), it makes you squirm with embarrassment? Well the holidaying couple who were enjoying the delights to be had at Andrew & Lesley's 'Blue Med' café bar, will certainly be squirming for a day or two. As the couple sat gazing across the beach at the sea, they asked "What sea is that - is it the Atlantic?" Funny how the bar's name 'Blue Med' plastered everywhere, as well as the stonking great sign hung above them, didn't give the game away. I do hope though, that they are safely back home by the time this Gazette edition hits the streets, to save their egos!

Less haste - more braking! A good way to end a busy day, is to enjoy the lull of a late afternoon/early evening with the crew at Bitter & Twisted, before their regular Wednesday Night Jazz sessions. It's a great place to chill and catch up on what's new at that end of the beach. It was here that I heard about a recent freaky accident nearby. During the road works up by the Restaurante Burriana, the road had become very wet. Regardless of this, a motorist, obviously in a hurry to park, had come down past them at approx 100kph. Not content with attempting the land-speed record, he also managed to make contact with four otherwise stationery objects before reaching the bottom of the hill. His car was most definitely a good prospect for the government's 'scrap your car subsidy'. The driver was hauled away to explain why he had breath reminiscent of a brewery exhaust! However, the clean-up process didn't include removing the glass from all over the road, so a little more fun was had by all!

Rockin' good place. It was definitely the music that lured me into La Casa del Kebab. It wasn't offensively heavy, but good and raunchy. I stopped for a coke, and took five minutes to look around. This friendly place is predominantly Spanish (well, what were you thinking?) and though the waiter/barman was a Spaniard, he was working very hard to impress me with his English. He told me that the chef speaks French and English, as well as being culinary talented. Although I am a fierce carnivore who enjoys the occasional salad, I couldn't help noticing that the menus included a very good selection of vegetarian dishes. The smell of cooking emanating from the kitchen was torture for an empty stomach! Mental note - call in again when I have time to stop for food!

Stylish Headwear. A stroll along Burriana means you have to pass lots of beachwear and fun items for sale. One particular form of attire that should not be ignored is headwear. After all, everyone knows how important it is to protect your head from the sun when it gets intense. This chap has nothing to worry about. What better than a hat with its own shower attachment? Think of the hot women he could attract! Speaking of water for pleasure - have you noticed how cheap the inflatable dingies are here - many of them for less than twenty euros? You would have a job to buy a set of oars for that in the UK!) I was also pretty impressed with a baseball cap for 7.50 euros, which had an integral fan in the peak, powered by a miniature solar panel on the top of the cap. It's great the way the fan kicks in when you walk into sunlight, fanning your brow. (I soon lost it to the kids!) Best of all, was a slogan accompanied by a picture of a bald man, saying, "No I don't have a bald patch - it's the solar panel for my sex drive"! If you don't much go for hats, probably the most practical way you can wear long hair is in the form of a pony tail. Not only does it allow the air to circulate around the back of your neck, helping you to stay cool, but it's great for flicking at those persistent flies. Definitely one of the funniest forms of headwear I have seen was the big biker with three dildos strapped to his helmet - what a dick-head! (In the nicest possible sense, Mate!)

Seriously though, as nice as it is for the kids to play on the beach on a sunny day, it is very concerning to see how many of them, however thoroughly they have been daubed with sun creams, have no head protection. Make them wear a hat, Mum! There is nothing worse than a child with sunstroke, zapping up your precious holiday, if you don't do it for their sake! Another tip to remember is when you are organising last minute details for your imminent holiday in the sun - don't get all efficient and have the boy's hair cut short before you leave! Hair on your head protects it a little, and however trendy the 'grade' cuts look, they are a disaster in the sun. Trim them when you are back in a kinder climate.

Kids out for the count. Quite apart from the fact that John, from Café del Mar's stories are so good to listen to, is that he makes his place so welcoming to everybody. I was most impressed to learn that he keeps a supply of blankets and comfortable chairs for exhausted beach goers (you know how tiring it can be laying on a beach all day doing nothing … No, nor do I ). These are great for kids out with their parents at night, to curl up and doze in, overtaken by the fatigue of holiday nightlife. This is what tends to happen when you ignore the customary afternoon nap in favour of playing in the sand! Good one, John.

Luck plays a good part in our lives, and for one phone thief, it played very much against him. He had been stopped by the police, who had asked him to produce identification, which he couldn't. He claimed to be German and apparently didn't speak Spanish or English. The man had produced a mobile that had a photograph on the screen that he was unable to identify, either. Luck would have it that precisely at this moment one of the local police had the phone in his hands when a SMS (text message) came through. The message was from the owner of the phone (a British girl), asking who had taken her telephone from her handbag. You're nicked, my ol' son!